Friday, November 12, 2010
over
i am so done...with everything...the past few days have been so sad and i dont know what to do with myself...jeff doesnt care for me much...he does alot for me, but what i really need is emotional support...why doesnt anybody care? why doesnt anyone listen? whenever i have a problem, no one takes me seriously...i just want to feel like someone cares...i dont want to "have my way all the time..." im not that dumb, i know about compromise and getting what i give and so on...ive been needy lately but i thought you were ok with that? i thought you liked that? i thought you wanted to take care of me? no one is perfect : / one year from yesterday. the possibilities are numerous and endless. im not getting into the school i want to. only about a month til im officially shot down. these applicants are amazing. astounding students, who really deserve it.i would have been so much better off had i never come here, had i been able to go back. take all those damn classes. have a world of opportunities before me. was i meant to meet you? you were meant to survive that wreck. was i meant to make it this far as it is?? i wanted the fucking candy, is it really that big of a deal? is it really that big of a deal to me? obviously it is, or i wouldnt be so hurt. does your parents taking you out to eat, then to a movie, and then my family going out for dinner at the same restaraunt, and no one bothering to think of me bother me? does it bother me?? it does. it really does. does going without eating for over a day bother me? it does. but apparently your mom thinks it is a "choice." why do you talk badly about me to them? dont you see, the negativity never really dissipates? big or small, it lingers? why did she touch me like that, shes not my mom. why does your jacket and shoes cost more than my engagement ring? why dont you wear the one i got you? why do your parents give you two cars, constantly give you food and pay for you, when mine get angry at me when my car breaks? not save me dinner? frequently go to restaraunts without me? have me do all the dirty work? steal from me? call me a disappointment, say that ill never get anywhere. why did i ever think your mom cared? no one cares...i am privleged. im not retarded or handicapped, i dont live in a third world country, im not starving, im not homeless. but are the basics ever good enough? im not loved. im not appreciated. i dont contribute to society, ill never be elite. my dad is out there somewhere, but i didnt matter to him. just a piece of ass. why did you give them my gift? i know you misunderstood, but that was my gift...my gift. they get that nice candy alot...they just got it a couple weeks ago. and you gave it to them, and not me? why not me? why not me? it matters alot to me! if it didnt, i woulndt make such a huge deal about it, i promise you! why do you say you dont like calling me? why dont promises matter anymore? i can run, and run, and run, and the pain is always there. numbed or real, its always there, i already know that. candice got married. augustine had a baby. jessica basically posted her engagement pics on facebook. brittaney lives with her boyfriend. am i so jealous of these teen moms because they have solace in the fact that theyre always bound? that theres a connection between them another person could never take away? are you ever too young? i guess it depends on the person. i dont think were too young. you think im immature, and im so sorry. i am, very sorry. i want to be everything for you.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
our 3 year
dear jeff
I met you exactly three years ago to the day. I remember whitley telling me that allan told her his friend liked me, but not to say anything or you would kill him. I remember being frustrated because I had no idea who this “friend” was. I thought it was paul. Then I found out it wasn’t paul, but I was able to get allan to tell whit that you had blonde hair.a few days passed and I figured people were just messing with me, and I figured “you” didn’t exist. TJ, who you hate, had the same 4th hour as me all year, and we talked about it a lot. He said he knew but couldn’t tell me, but I got him to tell me your name was Jeff. I didn’t believe him and after school a couple days before I met you I got a call from him, and he three way called allan and asked allan if you liked me, and he said yes, just to prove to me that you really did. I remember sitting outside with whitley and always seeing you hackysack, you were always the best in the group and always entertaining to watch. Hacky sack boy. I remember before I met you joking with whitley about asking you to teach us your skills. Then I remember actually meeting you. The day we met you kept on looking over at me and our eyes would keep meeting and we’d pretend we didn’t notice. I remember towards the end of lunch you finally jumping over the brick wall and talking to me. Asking if I knew your name. you said you liked rock, and southern rock, and that made me so happy to know you weren’t into rap like everyone else. I told you that. I thought you looked like paul banks. I initiated trading numbers with you, our little dinky prepaid phones. Texting you after school, on a cloudy day. You telling me you lived behind the mormon church across from the Victorian. Eating cup of noodles at acadec practice. Naking dinner and you telling me your mom made frito pie. I don’t remember if you actually liked it or not. I remember you going to your acadec scrimmage and texting me on your break, telling me about the cube. How you and ricky drove some remote control car though the hallways during practice. How the Monday after scrimmage you gave me a thing of king sized reeses and how I thought that was incredibly nice. I was honestly really flattered, though it really was so simple. You texting me and asking if it was ok if you hugged me. How I thought it was strange of you to ask, but so polite. I remember hugging you and feeling the most warm and tingly, electrical feeling pulse through me, even though those hugs were terribly short. Maybe two or three seconds long, and I hated, HATED pulling away. I remember once I grabbed a part of your shirt and tugged on it once the hug had ended, you started walking away and I had to let go. I felt so bad because you always missed the bus to walk me to my bus and give me a hug. You coming and talking to me during your acadec breaks,sitting in the van talking or playing games, savoring even the smallest contact of our shoulders as we leaned in to watch the screen. Telling everyone you were out getting mobbed by gangsters.you bringing me a pack of oreos and hot chocolate, and we sat by where the busses would stop and you asked if you could put your arm around me and I said no. I felt bad about that. I thought you bringing the hot chocolate was so sweet, even though you hadn’t mixed it very well and it was all chunky and cold. Watching you walk back to acadec one day and you were texting me, and you fell in the ice and you asked if I saw and I said no, even though I had. It looked painful. Going to acadec practice one day with you and I had baby piper with me, and getting mad when ricky called me mrs.jeff, which is ironic, because soon enough I will be. Meeting your parents out on a super cold, windy day, and how they looked so different than they do now. How you look so different now. Going to your house for the first time. Feeling so out of place and nervous. Playing video games with you and your brother, eating mini doughnuts, pizza from the night before. You getting so mad when your mom pulled up next to me and started telling me not to be afraid of her, and how I kept laughing. You giving me the ipod cover and new headphones for Christmas. You set it up for me and jumped next to me after school walking in the foyer towards the busses. Your unique knack for presentation certainly hasn’t changed. you being afraid when your mom messed up your bangs trimming your hair, and how she told you to tell me it was her fault. Holding your hand for the first time at our first Christmas eve movie, and how amazing it felt. You don’t wear the shirt I got you that Christmas much, and im sorry. Valentines day, and how much I loved the coke bottle you got me. You trying to kiss me, bending over eye to eye, your hands around my neck over by the auditorium, me being too nervous. I remember having the same depression problems and you had planned out asking all my friends to write notes to me saying how much I meant to them. That was so sweet. You made me a yearbook my freshmen year. That was incredibly sweet too. You letting me wear your jacket, even when you got in trouble because you didn’t have it. Long hair and cargo pants. Your watch. Missing you during family vacations. It was cloudy that day too, valentines day. Our first kiss, before BIGS. Kissing in the blue cylinder with kids rushing all around, I feel like that is a perfect representation of our lives. Busy, but still being able to enjoy the feeling of love. I love you. One rainy night you and allan driving around in the rain in a truck, and I told you to be careful. Me and whitley freezing our asses off in front of the movies, and how each text I got from you warmed me up, warmth emanating from my heart throughout my veins to all my extremities. How ive only covered a small portion of our first few months together in this note alone. So many memories, and so much love and adoration… I was just getting over an eating disorder at the time, just figuring out how to eat like a normal person. I was into Interpol very much at the time. One night allan was sleeping over so we weren’t really texting and I felt so alone. I was alone at the house, and I hurt myself. Now that we’ve been together I don’t do that as much. How you had been bullied. All the ugly things that had preceded something so beautiful. You were so incredibly sweet. I felt so lucky, so surprised, so grateful to have found someone like you. How hopefully in a year from now, we’ll be married. How hopefully we will become even closer to your family. How grateful we all are that you survived your rollover. Especially a jeff all in one piece, legs and arms, mind and soul and beating heart.I wish I had been in the car when it happened. I don’t think im good enough for you, and even if I did make it through, I would’ve been able to help you. How would life be today if we never met? Do you see something positive or negative? For myself I picture a lonely life. I don’t know if id be alive, honestly. You give me the most important thing in life, love, as well as companionship and support and happiness. But what do you picture? I feel like ive constantly been missing you since graduation. You live over 200 miles away now and I am constantly missing you, I love you more and more everyday. I cant wait to be your wife, or to live with you, and spend exponentially more time with you. i love spending time with you. How far we have come in three years, how much we embrace each other. I appreciate you. I appreciate your family. Three years and I hope for many more. I hate when you ignore me. I feel like giving up on life even if you only ignore me for a little bit……I feel like giving up on life when it seems as though I wont have a future with you. I feel like giving up on life right now.
Happy 3rd Anniversary
I love you
xoxo
Ashton
I met you exactly three years ago to the day. I remember whitley telling me that allan told her his friend liked me, but not to say anything or you would kill him. I remember being frustrated because I had no idea who this “friend” was. I thought it was paul. Then I found out it wasn’t paul, but I was able to get allan to tell whit that you had blonde hair.a few days passed and I figured people were just messing with me, and I figured “you” didn’t exist. TJ, who you hate, had the same 4th hour as me all year, and we talked about it a lot. He said he knew but couldn’t tell me, but I got him to tell me your name was Jeff. I didn’t believe him and after school a couple days before I met you I got a call from him, and he three way called allan and asked allan if you liked me, and he said yes, just to prove to me that you really did. I remember sitting outside with whitley and always seeing you hackysack, you were always the best in the group and always entertaining to watch. Hacky sack boy. I remember before I met you joking with whitley about asking you to teach us your skills. Then I remember actually meeting you. The day we met you kept on looking over at me and our eyes would keep meeting and we’d pretend we didn’t notice. I remember towards the end of lunch you finally jumping over the brick wall and talking to me. Asking if I knew your name. you said you liked rock, and southern rock, and that made me so happy to know you weren’t into rap like everyone else. I told you that. I thought you looked like paul banks. I initiated trading numbers with you, our little dinky prepaid phones. Texting you after school, on a cloudy day. You telling me you lived behind the mormon church across from the Victorian. Eating cup of noodles at acadec practice. Naking dinner and you telling me your mom made frito pie. I don’t remember if you actually liked it or not. I remember you going to your acadec scrimmage and texting me on your break, telling me about the cube. How you and ricky drove some remote control car though the hallways during practice. How the Monday after scrimmage you gave me a thing of king sized reeses and how I thought that was incredibly nice. I was honestly really flattered, though it really was so simple. You texting me and asking if it was ok if you hugged me. How I thought it was strange of you to ask, but so polite. I remember hugging you and feeling the most warm and tingly, electrical feeling pulse through me, even though those hugs were terribly short. Maybe two or three seconds long, and I hated, HATED pulling away. I remember once I grabbed a part of your shirt and tugged on it once the hug had ended, you started walking away and I had to let go. I felt so bad because you always missed the bus to walk me to my bus and give me a hug. You coming and talking to me during your acadec breaks,sitting in the van talking or playing games, savoring even the smallest contact of our shoulders as we leaned in to watch the screen. Telling everyone you were out getting mobbed by gangsters.you bringing me a pack of oreos and hot chocolate, and we sat by where the busses would stop and you asked if you could put your arm around me and I said no. I felt bad about that. I thought you bringing the hot chocolate was so sweet, even though you hadn’t mixed it very well and it was all chunky and cold. Watching you walk back to acadec one day and you were texting me, and you fell in the ice and you asked if I saw and I said no, even though I had. It looked painful. Going to acadec practice one day with you and I had baby piper with me, and getting mad when ricky called me mrs.jeff, which is ironic, because soon enough I will be. Meeting your parents out on a super cold, windy day, and how they looked so different than they do now. How you look so different now. Going to your house for the first time. Feeling so out of place and nervous. Playing video games with you and your brother, eating mini doughnuts, pizza from the night before. You getting so mad when your mom pulled up next to me and started telling me not to be afraid of her, and how I kept laughing. You giving me the ipod cover and new headphones for Christmas. You set it up for me and jumped next to me after school walking in the foyer towards the busses. Your unique knack for presentation certainly hasn’t changed. you being afraid when your mom messed up your bangs trimming your hair, and how she told you to tell me it was her fault. Holding your hand for the first time at our first Christmas eve movie, and how amazing it felt. You don’t wear the shirt I got you that Christmas much, and im sorry. Valentines day, and how much I loved the coke bottle you got me. You trying to kiss me, bending over eye to eye, your hands around my neck over by the auditorium, me being too nervous. I remember having the same depression problems and you had planned out asking all my friends to write notes to me saying how much I meant to them. That was so sweet. You made me a yearbook my freshmen year. That was incredibly sweet too. You letting me wear your jacket, even when you got in trouble because you didn’t have it. Long hair and cargo pants. Your watch. Missing you during family vacations. It was cloudy that day too, valentines day. Our first kiss, before BIGS. Kissing in the blue cylinder with kids rushing all around, I feel like that is a perfect representation of our lives. Busy, but still being able to enjoy the feeling of love. I love you. One rainy night you and allan driving around in the rain in a truck, and I told you to be careful. Me and whitley freezing our asses off in front of the movies, and how each text I got from you warmed me up, warmth emanating from my heart throughout my veins to all my extremities. How ive only covered a small portion of our first few months together in this note alone. So many memories, and so much love and adoration… I was just getting over an eating disorder at the time, just figuring out how to eat like a normal person. I was into Interpol very much at the time. One night allan was sleeping over so we weren’t really texting and I felt so alone. I was alone at the house, and I hurt myself. Now that we’ve been together I don’t do that as much. How you had been bullied. All the ugly things that had preceded something so beautiful. You were so incredibly sweet. I felt so lucky, so surprised, so grateful to have found someone like you. How hopefully in a year from now, we’ll be married. How hopefully we will become even closer to your family. How grateful we all are that you survived your rollover. Especially a jeff all in one piece, legs and arms, mind and soul and beating heart.I wish I had been in the car when it happened. I don’t think im good enough for you, and even if I did make it through, I would’ve been able to help you. How would life be today if we never met? Do you see something positive or negative? For myself I picture a lonely life. I don’t know if id be alive, honestly. You give me the most important thing in life, love, as well as companionship and support and happiness. But what do you picture? I feel like ive constantly been missing you since graduation. You live over 200 miles away now and I am constantly missing you, I love you more and more everyday. I cant wait to be your wife, or to live with you, and spend exponentially more time with you. i love spending time with you. How far we have come in three years, how much we embrace each other. I appreciate you. I appreciate your family. Three years and I hope for many more. I hate when you ignore me. I feel like giving up on life even if you only ignore me for a little bit……I feel like giving up on life when it seems as though I wont have a future with you. I feel like giving up on life right now.
Happy 3rd Anniversary
I love you
xoxo
Ashton
Friday, September 10, 2010
engaged.
this weekend was eventful.
i woke up next to the most amazing man in the world, and i got engaged.
jeff picked me up around 1130 sunday labor day weekend and we drove to tucson together. i drove the second half and he fell asleep on my shoulder.
we first stopped at the mall and he bought us charleys for lunch. we were incredibly hungry. cheese fries with bacon bits...was good.
then we went to his dorm and i saw the new location of his day to day life. it was wonderful seeing where his new life is but also saddening. i often feel like a loser trapped here for another 258 days whereas he gets to live with some degree of freedom...but his dorm was cute, sorta obnoxious inside and his room was smaller than mine and messy as fuck. i met shane and he looked different from when i saw him the first time. not to be bitchy but jeff is definately the sexier of the two. after some time at the dorm we left on a short walk to wait for shane to leave to some frat thing. walking around campus reminding me of over the summer and i wasnt sure if that was a good thing or bad thing. i see last summer as a sammich, of some good in between some bad, so i feel conflicted. the issues make me just want to run away after graduation to california or ny, somewhere where maybe i could escape my messups and bad experiences. i was also afraid to see lisa. jeff has only ran into her twice but twice is twice too many and its still possible, and i dont know what i would have done had i seen her. probably freeze up. jeff showed me where his class in the harvill building was and upon our return to the dorm shane and some guy were leaving so we ....yeah. i dont need to write that down to remember that. for a few hours. it was exhausting and i did a few things im not quite sure how to feel about. but i guess i made him happy so thats all that matters. we had some trouble choosing somewhere to eat for dinner but we walked out to university blvd and decided on no anchovies, a nice cheap pizza place that i had eaten at with dedee. walking on the way back my hand graced a ring box on his back and i dont know why but i was afraid. why so afraid of something i had been wanting so badly? was it because its delay had made it to where i had accepted waiting? i dont really know. he claimed it wasa gps and i thought he had a better imagination than that. but we sat at a dark field between posada san pedro and highland, next to a path i had always travelled going to the rec, and where the duelers always were. i laid my head on his lap and ate pizza, and during a makeout session he whisked away and got on one knee in front of me and asked me to marry him, and i fought him a little but he asked me to just say yes so i did... and i dont know whether that proposal was horribly off target or deliciously on target. am i the kind of girl where a pizza and creepy field proposal works? i dont know. im happy but i guess im disappointed because he doesnt want to tell his family. i guess when ive always viewed our marriage i see it as the integration of myself into his family, which is something i desperately want...i want it incredibly badly. ive been feeling so guilty over things ive done, including being judgemental with his mom. the day he left though, and even at graduation, i guess it made me want so badly to have a relationship with his mom and her company....idk. i want that almost just as much as i want to marry jeff. its really important to me and i had been hoping that her and i could talk but that still hasnt happened...and then i feel selfish, she has her own issues, im not her daughter, of course she does not care for me to confide in her. but are those feelings correct, or are they misconceived notions that ive had indoctrinated in me by my mom? i dont know. maybe ill never know.
so i said yes, of course, even though ive been considering asking him to put it off. it has only been a couple months since the lisa episode...that lisa thing made me into a bad person. i dont think it was my fault but i clearly was not good enough for him. idk.
he was happy it seemed. i love when hes happy. the weather was beautiful as always and the only bad thing was the squitos.we made our way back to the dorm with a ring and uneaten pizza. we cuddled and did more ... we meant to get ice cream but we wound up not leaving the dorm again. we watched snippets of good luck chuck and star wars covered love noises. we played with our phones, another thing i pressured that ifeel horribly about, but the best part didnt come until about 230...when we slept together for the first time.
it was absolutely amazing. amazing amazing amazing. he looks absolutely stunning in his sleep, and he held me, and i wasnt sure whether he was asleep or awake but when he would shift he would rub my back or my arm for a second, perhaps subconsciously. he sweat like fuck and i woke up many times during the night, and often in his armpit, where sweat was abundant. shane came home about 3 and snored like a whale. they both slept without shirts which i found funny. he talked a bit in his sleep and i couldnt stand to not look at him. i know beautiful isnt often considered for men but thats what he was--absolutely beautiful. i hope if any image ever sticks in my mind permanently it is him sleeping. angelic, soothing, beautiful. just beautiful. i hope to god i get to wake up to that beauty the rest of my life.
we woke up about 745 and cleaned up in the mens bathroom. he let me brush his teeth with his toothbrush, which im sorry, but that is the epitome of love. i washed my hair in the sink and he brushed it. i wore his deoderant because man deoderant smells like heaven. we made blueberry eggos in the kitchen, which was nasty, and ate them at a breakfast bar. the whole dorm was dead, it seemed, besides two girls in a big conference like room. then we had to leave....and it was saddening. i knew it would be hard. we drove back with the top down and my thighs got sunburned. it rained on us before globe and we grabbed mcdoubles and giant monsters for lunch. he met with his parents. she said shed like to talk to me but that will never happen i fear. i cried when he said bye before work. i cried the rest of the day. i miss him and i will always wish he never left.
i woke up next to the most amazing man in the world, and i got engaged.
jeff picked me up around 1130 sunday labor day weekend and we drove to tucson together. i drove the second half and he fell asleep on my shoulder.
we first stopped at the mall and he bought us charleys for lunch. we were incredibly hungry. cheese fries with bacon bits...was good.
then we went to his dorm and i saw the new location of his day to day life. it was wonderful seeing where his new life is but also saddening. i often feel like a loser trapped here for another 258 days whereas he gets to live with some degree of freedom...but his dorm was cute, sorta obnoxious inside and his room was smaller than mine and messy as fuck. i met shane and he looked different from when i saw him the first time. not to be bitchy but jeff is definately the sexier of the two. after some time at the dorm we left on a short walk to wait for shane to leave to some frat thing. walking around campus reminding me of over the summer and i wasnt sure if that was a good thing or bad thing. i see last summer as a sammich, of some good in between some bad, so i feel conflicted. the issues make me just want to run away after graduation to california or ny, somewhere where maybe i could escape my messups and bad experiences. i was also afraid to see lisa. jeff has only ran into her twice but twice is twice too many and its still possible, and i dont know what i would have done had i seen her. probably freeze up. jeff showed me where his class in the harvill building was and upon our return to the dorm shane and some guy were leaving so we ....yeah. i dont need to write that down to remember that. for a few hours. it was exhausting and i did a few things im not quite sure how to feel about. but i guess i made him happy so thats all that matters. we had some trouble choosing somewhere to eat for dinner but we walked out to university blvd and decided on no anchovies, a nice cheap pizza place that i had eaten at with dedee. walking on the way back my hand graced a ring box on his back and i dont know why but i was afraid. why so afraid of something i had been wanting so badly? was it because its delay had made it to where i had accepted waiting? i dont really know. he claimed it wasa gps and i thought he had a better imagination than that. but we sat at a dark field between posada san pedro and highland, next to a path i had always travelled going to the rec, and where the duelers always were. i laid my head on his lap and ate pizza, and during a makeout session he whisked away and got on one knee in front of me and asked me to marry him, and i fought him a little but he asked me to just say yes so i did... and i dont know whether that proposal was horribly off target or deliciously on target. am i the kind of girl where a pizza and creepy field proposal works? i dont know. im happy but i guess im disappointed because he doesnt want to tell his family. i guess when ive always viewed our marriage i see it as the integration of myself into his family, which is something i desperately want...i want it incredibly badly. ive been feeling so guilty over things ive done, including being judgemental with his mom. the day he left though, and even at graduation, i guess it made me want so badly to have a relationship with his mom and her company....idk. i want that almost just as much as i want to marry jeff. its really important to me and i had been hoping that her and i could talk but that still hasnt happened...and then i feel selfish, she has her own issues, im not her daughter, of course she does not care for me to confide in her. but are those feelings correct, or are they misconceived notions that ive had indoctrinated in me by my mom? i dont know. maybe ill never know.
so i said yes, of course, even though ive been considering asking him to put it off. it has only been a couple months since the lisa episode...that lisa thing made me into a bad person. i dont think it was my fault but i clearly was not good enough for him. idk.
he was happy it seemed. i love when hes happy. the weather was beautiful as always and the only bad thing was the squitos.we made our way back to the dorm with a ring and uneaten pizza. we cuddled and did more ... we meant to get ice cream but we wound up not leaving the dorm again. we watched snippets of good luck chuck and star wars covered love noises. we played with our phones, another thing i pressured that ifeel horribly about, but the best part didnt come until about 230...when we slept together for the first time.
it was absolutely amazing. amazing amazing amazing. he looks absolutely stunning in his sleep, and he held me, and i wasnt sure whether he was asleep or awake but when he would shift he would rub my back or my arm for a second, perhaps subconsciously. he sweat like fuck and i woke up many times during the night, and often in his armpit, where sweat was abundant. shane came home about 3 and snored like a whale. they both slept without shirts which i found funny. he talked a bit in his sleep and i couldnt stand to not look at him. i know beautiful isnt often considered for men but thats what he was--absolutely beautiful. i hope if any image ever sticks in my mind permanently it is him sleeping. angelic, soothing, beautiful. just beautiful. i hope to god i get to wake up to that beauty the rest of my life.
we woke up about 745 and cleaned up in the mens bathroom. he let me brush his teeth with his toothbrush, which im sorry, but that is the epitome of love. i washed my hair in the sink and he brushed it. i wore his deoderant because man deoderant smells like heaven. we made blueberry eggos in the kitchen, which was nasty, and ate them at a breakfast bar. the whole dorm was dead, it seemed, besides two girls in a big conference like room. then we had to leave....and it was saddening. i knew it would be hard. we drove back with the top down and my thighs got sunburned. it rained on us before globe and we grabbed mcdoubles and giant monsters for lunch. he met with his parents. she said shed like to talk to me but that will never happen i fear. i cried when he said bye before work. i cried the rest of the day. i miss him and i will always wish he never left.
Monday, August 16, 2010
last week...
this is jeff's last week until he moves to tucson.
so many emotions have been running through me it is hard to discern how i feel. i fel hurt but i also feel selfish. i feel afraid but i also feel some confidence. i feel angry, but id rather go burrow under a blanket and cry. i feel sad and weak, strong and hopeful.
there are many times where i feel very strong. where i think of 'good' jeff, and how he's a faithful guy and wouldnt hurt me. how sweet and kind he is, how thoughtful and considerate and committed. but then i remember june, and lisa, and how easy it was for him to write me off. how easy it was for him to ignore me. how he knew he was hurting me but didnt mind...was it just an honest mistake? did i deserve it? will i ever fully trust him again?
i love him to death but each second that passes he is closer to leaving the more fearful i get. i also realize each second is a second nearer to when we can finally live 'our' life. but fear is something i will live with until that day finally comes, when my birthday comes and finally 'free to be' and then much more will feel complete.
and the physical part doesnt bother me much. the not being able to kiss or hug him bothers me, but it doesnt cause me the most grief. ill miss everything. his smile, his hugs, his smell, watching him do something ordinary, feeling his breath on my neck, his words that give me goosebumps...seeing his handsome face, and of course the rest of his sexy self...his skin, his chest, god, everything. every little thing. but thats not what bothers me the most.
what if another lisa thing came up again? i dont know what id do. all i can do is try my best to trust in him. and i want to trust in him, i want to.
he's been talking to his roomy and i guess he's big on drinking. but why would i have expected that to go right, right? i was kinda hurt that i wasnt mentioned in any of the emails but i dont think stuff regarding girls ever came up, but still.
he can spend hours trying to build my confidence, then get angry and send it spiralling down. last night we had been talking on skype, then it turned into some pretty nasty arguing and he said he could say 'see ya next year' and that he didnt know if he wanted to sacrifice for me anymore. then it was like back to square 1.
there are times when i look at the world and wonder if i could ever be a happy person. if i could integrate myself as seamlessly as it all looks, even though i know things are never as they seem. i really think i could be happy with jeff. even through these next months, i know i could be. i know i want to be a bigger part of his life. i know i want to marry him, and live and grow with him, and go through the motions of life with him. it is something i KNOW, that is as factual to me as the sky being blue and the earth being round. but i know he gets confused, and i guess that hurts me. but thats not his fault..
i want to be with him and know that my relationship with him is never in jeopardy. i want to know that he can be around beautiful girls and not feel like im inferior...
...ive done things wrong and i feel horrible about them... i never meant to hurt him...he doesnt believe me about the matt stuff, and i would be hurt too if i were him, but it was something that i felt was out of my control...i never wanted matt over jeff, and i never considered matt in jeff's place. in my mind it has always been me and jeff. for the past nearly 3 years this boy has been the subject of 90% of my thought processes. i love him more and more everyday. he is my best friend. i cant imagine life without him, and when i try, it scares me. i fear losing him more than anything in the world, more than anything someone could ever do or say. fear is a natural part of life i suppose.
jeff's mama went through a blog or something about narcissistic moms and things they do and i saw an astonishing amount of similarities between the facts and my own mom. jeff's mom is saying im abused and its hard to swallow. could it be true? it certainly looks true. how could i have not seen all these things? is it really her and not me? ive always felt like im always in the wrong, but is it really her? shes called me crazy a few times and the past few months i have felt that way. is something wrong with me, or is it just her? how am i supposed to handle the next few months? why do my emotions not ring important to people? does jeffs mom really want to help, or is she only being nice because she thinks i will disappear in a few days? i admit, what my mom did has brought up my skepticism in other people, especially jeff. will i ever trust again? can i? should i? is it a problem with me, or what my mom has instilled in me? does my family make me unattractive to jeff and his family? will people judge me based upon her behavior? i feel guilty, she is my mom...but i shouldnt feel guilty. how can i not feel this way? so conflicted? i have never felt natural confiding in others. is that something my mom has done to me? has she messed me up for life? why? i appreciate everything his mom has done for me, her talking and her advice and her sympathy. i just hope the sincerity is real.
i want to become a part of jeffs family; it seems like i have been torn from my own.
today i got sick in the middle of body conditioning and i dont know why. i ate the same things as jeff today and he seemed alright. i feel a bit better now but i hope its done for now. ive really been enjoying the class. im glad i have it. we do alot of the same stretches and workout routines each day but i feel it every time. it seems to help with some of the stress. we did step aerobics today to a cheesy 90's video and i liked it. the videos reminded me of ones i used to do with my mom years ago when we lived in chandler on crestview. i miss not being manipulated, and i miss my home.
i miss my baby already and i need to savor the time i have with him. im sad. im disappointed he really is leaving me behind. i dont really know where i rank on his priorities anymore. i guess im lucky for whatever i have.
so many emotions have been running through me it is hard to discern how i feel. i fel hurt but i also feel selfish. i feel afraid but i also feel some confidence. i feel angry, but id rather go burrow under a blanket and cry. i feel sad and weak, strong and hopeful.
there are many times where i feel very strong. where i think of 'good' jeff, and how he's a faithful guy and wouldnt hurt me. how sweet and kind he is, how thoughtful and considerate and committed. but then i remember june, and lisa, and how easy it was for him to write me off. how easy it was for him to ignore me. how he knew he was hurting me but didnt mind...was it just an honest mistake? did i deserve it? will i ever fully trust him again?
i love him to death but each second that passes he is closer to leaving the more fearful i get. i also realize each second is a second nearer to when we can finally live 'our' life. but fear is something i will live with until that day finally comes, when my birthday comes and finally 'free to be' and then much more will feel complete.
and the physical part doesnt bother me much. the not being able to kiss or hug him bothers me, but it doesnt cause me the most grief. ill miss everything. his smile, his hugs, his smell, watching him do something ordinary, feeling his breath on my neck, his words that give me goosebumps...seeing his handsome face, and of course the rest of his sexy self...his skin, his chest, god, everything. every little thing. but thats not what bothers me the most.
what if another lisa thing came up again? i dont know what id do. all i can do is try my best to trust in him. and i want to trust in him, i want to.
he's been talking to his roomy and i guess he's big on drinking. but why would i have expected that to go right, right? i was kinda hurt that i wasnt mentioned in any of the emails but i dont think stuff regarding girls ever came up, but still.
he can spend hours trying to build my confidence, then get angry and send it spiralling down. last night we had been talking on skype, then it turned into some pretty nasty arguing and he said he could say 'see ya next year' and that he didnt know if he wanted to sacrifice for me anymore. then it was like back to square 1.
there are times when i look at the world and wonder if i could ever be a happy person. if i could integrate myself as seamlessly as it all looks, even though i know things are never as they seem. i really think i could be happy with jeff. even through these next months, i know i could be. i know i want to be a bigger part of his life. i know i want to marry him, and live and grow with him, and go through the motions of life with him. it is something i KNOW, that is as factual to me as the sky being blue and the earth being round. but i know he gets confused, and i guess that hurts me. but thats not his fault..
i want to be with him and know that my relationship with him is never in jeopardy. i want to know that he can be around beautiful girls and not feel like im inferior...
...ive done things wrong and i feel horrible about them... i never meant to hurt him...he doesnt believe me about the matt stuff, and i would be hurt too if i were him, but it was something that i felt was out of my control...i never wanted matt over jeff, and i never considered matt in jeff's place. in my mind it has always been me and jeff. for the past nearly 3 years this boy has been the subject of 90% of my thought processes. i love him more and more everyday. he is my best friend. i cant imagine life without him, and when i try, it scares me. i fear losing him more than anything in the world, more than anything someone could ever do or say. fear is a natural part of life i suppose.
jeff's mama went through a blog or something about narcissistic moms and things they do and i saw an astonishing amount of similarities between the facts and my own mom. jeff's mom is saying im abused and its hard to swallow. could it be true? it certainly looks true. how could i have not seen all these things? is it really her and not me? ive always felt like im always in the wrong, but is it really her? shes called me crazy a few times and the past few months i have felt that way. is something wrong with me, or is it just her? how am i supposed to handle the next few months? why do my emotions not ring important to people? does jeffs mom really want to help, or is she only being nice because she thinks i will disappear in a few days? i admit, what my mom did has brought up my skepticism in other people, especially jeff. will i ever trust again? can i? should i? is it a problem with me, or what my mom has instilled in me? does my family make me unattractive to jeff and his family? will people judge me based upon her behavior? i feel guilty, she is my mom...but i shouldnt feel guilty. how can i not feel this way? so conflicted? i have never felt natural confiding in others. is that something my mom has done to me? has she messed me up for life? why? i appreciate everything his mom has done for me, her talking and her advice and her sympathy. i just hope the sincerity is real.
i want to become a part of jeffs family; it seems like i have been torn from my own.
today i got sick in the middle of body conditioning and i dont know why. i ate the same things as jeff today and he seemed alright. i feel a bit better now but i hope its done for now. ive really been enjoying the class. im glad i have it. we do alot of the same stretches and workout routines each day but i feel it every time. it seems to help with some of the stress. we did step aerobics today to a cheesy 90's video and i liked it. the videos reminded me of ones i used to do with my mom years ago when we lived in chandler on crestview. i miss not being manipulated, and i miss my home.
i miss my baby already and i need to savor the time i have with him. im sad. im disappointed he really is leaving me behind. i dont really know where i rank on his priorities anymore. i guess im lucky for whatever i have.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
senior year
everyone seems to look forward to senior year, and in a way i have, but ive also been dreading it...alot of my friends, and my best friend, were seniors and it is strange walking the halls without them. it feels lonely, not like how being a senior should be i suppose. i dont feel the power, i feel the maturity though. i guess i feel like the year will go fast, but i havent started seeing the weeks fly by just yet.
the year started out pretty shitty. things at home havent been well since i returned from tucson, and the first day high school started back up i got the shit embarrassed out of me by someone discussing the kmart incident with all my religious navit classmates. i guess i should have known the race for valedictorian would turn ugly at some point, but being malicious is something i thought was unnecessary. i guess it is to some people. so far i have it in the bag, which is nice, and i will probably tie with somebody, hopefully jason, cuz he seems like a nice guy. having a good shot at ranking first was something that was supposed to be a plus to being here instead of home. but there is only 200 something odd days til it doesnt matter and i can go home again. i want to see my house again. i want to see my cousins, the familiar streets and unfamiliar people. the life i used to know that i took for granted. i will never forget moving day, waking up on a mattress in the upstairs living room with the most horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. knowing that my family was making a huge mistake. picking and choosing what to leave because they didnt want to take a second trip. but it rings true that you can take the girl out of the city, but you can never take the city out of the girl. i miss it so badly, even now...
jeff leaves in only a handful of days now. when i think about him leaving i dont feel love. i know its wrong, but i feel angry and ashamed...i feel abandoned, i feel alone and unworthy. i go between feeling that everything will be fine, and thinking he will pull a lisa thing again. i feel faithful but also afraid. i guess i just pray that ill learn to cope, and the feelings of bitterness will slowly dissipate. i think about dianna and joselo and even how after 2 years of him being away and he still loves her. but then i think about jeff and lisa and i dont know whether to cry or be angry, or to let it go. i want to let it go and forget about it. i dont know if i ever could forget.
when i found out about her i felt a feeling unlike anything ive ever experienced. it was the first time in my life i have ever been truly and utterly speechless. my breath came in huge gasps and i struggled to keep breathing. how i wanted to scream so badly but it was impossible, no sound would come out. how after manically pacing back and forth across the dorm room i shoved random things into a bag and walked out the door, feeling like i had a fever of a thousand degrees. walking outside and feeling like nothing in the world was right anymore, not even the palm trees or the sky or the turtle pond...nothing was true and no one could be trusted. i called my mom and cried about it, how i didnt care about the people who passed the crazy girl crying on the phone next to the turtle pond. how my mom didnt even believe it. i still dont believe im getting the full story but i dont want to know anymore. i hope i never feel that way, not for the rest of my life.
my mom stole 8 thousand dollars from me. i have 12 dollars to show for 2 years of working. my own mother betrayed me. my own mother didnt care for my feelings. does anybody anymore?
im embarrassed of her. people will look at her and think i am like that too. im not like that, and never could be.
jeff's parents, especially his mom, have been very helpful about this, and if it wasnt for their help i dont know what i would do. id really like to become closer to them but i have a feeling they think once jeff leaves im gone as well, so theyre only being nice because they think they wont have to anymore. i hope its not like that, but my faith in humanity is at an all time low right now. i just hope the impression of caring im getting is true. id really like to become close to them someday. his mom's experiences are eerily similar to mine, so i feel like shes the only one who understands what this means to me. she seems to be very much a realist like myself and would say it how it is. there are things she's done concerning jeff that i dont like, but i see what shes doing to help him get to college and to get off to a good start and she really loves him and wants him to be successful and happy. clearly, i couldnt say the same about my own mom....unfortunately...
the money is gone, forever, but thats not what upsets me most. no more nice clothes, no nice purse i wanted, no vacation after graduation and no new car or laptop. but thats all material and never matters in the end anyways. does she realize she is taking my ability to pay the bills? to care for myself? does she know and just not care? its clear my fake dad takes precedence over her children, as i know my money paid for his truck and stupid ass guns and my sisters gay ass cheerleading (which doesnt upset me as much as buying someone a whole fuckign nice ass truck) what has she done to where she needs my money? does she even 'need' it? what do i do? how do i get through the next 200 something days acting as though i dont know what shes done? why do people think they can burn me, and still be my friend? why dont i mean much to people?
i thought jeff and i might get engaged but its looking like were not going to. maybe someday, hopefully.
i dont know where to go to college. everyone is telling me i can do better than in state but id prefer to stay in state, especially since you cant pay the rent with 12 dollars. im applying to asu, ua, stanford, ucla, columbia, nyu, and just for shits harvard, to see if i could get in. i want to go back to phoenix.
im feeling like the shell of a person right now. i feel like im a numb, sad version of myself.
jeff let me use his ipod (the one he had offered me) and it makes me cringe a little. i feel like he changed and not for the better. i feel like he changed into someone i wouldnt have wanted to be with when i first met him. but maybe im being overly sensitive.
i guess my feelings for him have changed. i still love him. but its more bittersweet now.
i really miss my simi friends. i really miss dianna, and i miss bubba making me laugh all the time. i really really miss d though. she was an amazing friend, not just to me but to everyone.
i guess if this year had to be ideal id want:
jeff doesnt leave me, maybe get engaged. move in together in may
get valedictorian
get paid back by my mom
stay productive enough to where the pain isnt as bad
make myself happier
do work thats something to be proud of
heres to hoping senior year gets a little better.
the year started out pretty shitty. things at home havent been well since i returned from tucson, and the first day high school started back up i got the shit embarrassed out of me by someone discussing the kmart incident with all my religious navit classmates. i guess i should have known the race for valedictorian would turn ugly at some point, but being malicious is something i thought was unnecessary. i guess it is to some people. so far i have it in the bag, which is nice, and i will probably tie with somebody, hopefully jason, cuz he seems like a nice guy. having a good shot at ranking first was something that was supposed to be a plus to being here instead of home. but there is only 200 something odd days til it doesnt matter and i can go home again. i want to see my house again. i want to see my cousins, the familiar streets and unfamiliar people. the life i used to know that i took for granted. i will never forget moving day, waking up on a mattress in the upstairs living room with the most horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. knowing that my family was making a huge mistake. picking and choosing what to leave because they didnt want to take a second trip. but it rings true that you can take the girl out of the city, but you can never take the city out of the girl. i miss it so badly, even now...
jeff leaves in only a handful of days now. when i think about him leaving i dont feel love. i know its wrong, but i feel angry and ashamed...i feel abandoned, i feel alone and unworthy. i go between feeling that everything will be fine, and thinking he will pull a lisa thing again. i feel faithful but also afraid. i guess i just pray that ill learn to cope, and the feelings of bitterness will slowly dissipate. i think about dianna and joselo and even how after 2 years of him being away and he still loves her. but then i think about jeff and lisa and i dont know whether to cry or be angry, or to let it go. i want to let it go and forget about it. i dont know if i ever could forget.
when i found out about her i felt a feeling unlike anything ive ever experienced. it was the first time in my life i have ever been truly and utterly speechless. my breath came in huge gasps and i struggled to keep breathing. how i wanted to scream so badly but it was impossible, no sound would come out. how after manically pacing back and forth across the dorm room i shoved random things into a bag and walked out the door, feeling like i had a fever of a thousand degrees. walking outside and feeling like nothing in the world was right anymore, not even the palm trees or the sky or the turtle pond...nothing was true and no one could be trusted. i called my mom and cried about it, how i didnt care about the people who passed the crazy girl crying on the phone next to the turtle pond. how my mom didnt even believe it. i still dont believe im getting the full story but i dont want to know anymore. i hope i never feel that way, not for the rest of my life.
my mom stole 8 thousand dollars from me. i have 12 dollars to show for 2 years of working. my own mother betrayed me. my own mother didnt care for my feelings. does anybody anymore?
im embarrassed of her. people will look at her and think i am like that too. im not like that, and never could be.
jeff's parents, especially his mom, have been very helpful about this, and if it wasnt for their help i dont know what i would do. id really like to become closer to them but i have a feeling they think once jeff leaves im gone as well, so theyre only being nice because they think they wont have to anymore. i hope its not like that, but my faith in humanity is at an all time low right now. i just hope the impression of caring im getting is true. id really like to become close to them someday. his mom's experiences are eerily similar to mine, so i feel like shes the only one who understands what this means to me. she seems to be very much a realist like myself and would say it how it is. there are things she's done concerning jeff that i dont like, but i see what shes doing to help him get to college and to get off to a good start and she really loves him and wants him to be successful and happy. clearly, i couldnt say the same about my own mom....unfortunately...
the money is gone, forever, but thats not what upsets me most. no more nice clothes, no nice purse i wanted, no vacation after graduation and no new car or laptop. but thats all material and never matters in the end anyways. does she realize she is taking my ability to pay the bills? to care for myself? does she know and just not care? its clear my fake dad takes precedence over her children, as i know my money paid for his truck and stupid ass guns and my sisters gay ass cheerleading (which doesnt upset me as much as buying someone a whole fuckign nice ass truck) what has she done to where she needs my money? does she even 'need' it? what do i do? how do i get through the next 200 something days acting as though i dont know what shes done? why do people think they can burn me, and still be my friend? why dont i mean much to people?
i thought jeff and i might get engaged but its looking like were not going to. maybe someday, hopefully.
i dont know where to go to college. everyone is telling me i can do better than in state but id prefer to stay in state, especially since you cant pay the rent with 12 dollars. im applying to asu, ua, stanford, ucla, columbia, nyu, and just for shits harvard, to see if i could get in. i want to go back to phoenix.
im feeling like the shell of a person right now. i feel like im a numb, sad version of myself.
jeff let me use his ipod (the one he had offered me) and it makes me cringe a little. i feel like he changed and not for the better. i feel like he changed into someone i wouldnt have wanted to be with when i first met him. but maybe im being overly sensitive.
i guess my feelings for him have changed. i still love him. but its more bittersweet now.
i really miss my simi friends. i really miss dianna, and i miss bubba making me laugh all the time. i really really miss d though. she was an amazing friend, not just to me but to everyone.
i guess if this year had to be ideal id want:
jeff doesnt leave me, maybe get engaged. move in together in may
get valedictorian
get paid back by my mom
stay productive enough to where the pain isnt as bad
make myself happier
do work thats something to be proud of
heres to hoping senior year gets a little better.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
now
yesterday 7 weeks in tucson at UA ended and i had to return to show low. this will be the last time this happens. in 10 months and 1 day i will graduate and finally gain all freedom. jeff and i will move in, to an apartment or our own condo...condo is short for condom? condominium. haha. but im excited.
alot has happened. its been awhile since ive written here and i regret that. my past week has been fairly bad. medical issues, taking care of highly intoxicated friends, and saying goodbye to my really good friend dianna. bubba and a few others at the dorm got amazingly drunk on more than one occaision and managed to get away with it. i admit i was tempted to drink and have fun but i resisted. each night the fun ended badly, and dianna and i ended up taking care of crazy pissdrunk friends. seeing alcohol go bad and knowing jeff is against that are enough to keep me away forever. bubba pissed his pants, and bawled to where the only way he would get to bed was if dianna rubbed his back and went 'ssshhh' like he was a baby. ugh...
jeff and i are getting engaged! amazing news. its gonna make us an even stronger couple and it will make these next few months much more bearable i believe.
im really excited to be his fiance and soon his wife. this is something that i never thought would be important to me and now its extremely important. i feel lucky to have him and i know things are going to get better and better for us.
alot has happened. its been awhile since ive written here and i regret that. my past week has been fairly bad. medical issues, taking care of highly intoxicated friends, and saying goodbye to my really good friend dianna. bubba and a few others at the dorm got amazingly drunk on more than one occaision and managed to get away with it. i admit i was tempted to drink and have fun but i resisted. each night the fun ended badly, and dianna and i ended up taking care of crazy pissdrunk friends. seeing alcohol go bad and knowing jeff is against that are enough to keep me away forever. bubba pissed his pants, and bawled to where the only way he would get to bed was if dianna rubbed his back and went 'ssshhh' like he was a baby. ugh...
jeff and i are getting engaged! amazing news. its gonna make us an even stronger couple and it will make these next few months much more bearable i believe.
im really excited to be his fiance and soon his wife. this is something that i never thought would be important to me and now its extremely important. i feel lucky to have him and i know things are going to get better and better for us.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
past few days
so its been a few days. its been really busy.
i love working with erik. i figured out the closest thing i compare him to is working with seth rogen. their voices are the same, and they both have potty mouths, lol. erik showed me the blatant pornart in the basement of the cancer center, and he dropped a cap and said "that goes on the bottle, dumbass." he also messed up a western blot we were doing and when someone asked me "how are you," he replied and said "oh shes doing great, just watching a dumbass fuck up his experiments." he really is fun to work with and im learning alot.
jeff and i have become friendly which is really good. were talking through some things and im trying to trust him but i dont know if i should or not. i love him to death though, even still so im sure i will in time. i guess all i can do is be the girl he fell in love with. i have some big decisions to make. theyre all stressing me out pretty badly.
thursday night me, dianna,dionne, bubba, noah and alvin all rode the sun tran to the movies at el con. half of us ate at in and out (such as myself, and yes, it was fucking good) then the other half ate at chik fil a. then we all split again at the movies, i watched get him to the greek with bubba and dionne. i really like bubba. his laugh is terribly contagious and hes funny. me, bubba and dianna are together alot and i have fun with them. anyways, the movie was ok, not as funny as advertised but it was entertaining.
we got back about an hour late but robby (who as far as ra's go, is a joke) was fine with it, we were surprised he was even still there. dianna and i stay up really late and its been killing us at work. were up to 1 or 2 usually.
yesterday was fairly eventless. i was barely at work cuz erik wasnt there in the morning and i only worked about a 1/2 hr in the afternoon splitting cells. then after work dianna and i took a nap and she left on a date. i stayed and got some business hw done, which im falling a bit behind on. that night i went shopping on university blvd and fell in like with alot of the stuff at urban outfitters. there was a gorgeous dress but i couldnt allow myself to buy it...on sale for 30...i got a cute black lace tube top tho, and only 10$$!!
i slept wonderfully, from 1 to 1030....i needed the sleep. i got to wake up and talk to jeff, which is always a nice start to my day. i really miss being "official" with him.
then i walked 6 miles to the tucson mall, which was a mistake. i dont think i need to go in depth with that one.
not to blab about jeff, but being there really made me miss how things used to be between us. i really miss the plans and i really miss having someone to lean on. i see all these couples together and it hurts, i see the stupid engagement ring ads and it makes me cringe with both jealousy and pain. i wanted it even more than i thought i did. but they say the things you work the hardest for are the most worth it, so maybe this will just improve things, like it did last time.
i spent alot more money than i would have liked. but i loved having "me" time and i loved feeling so girly. i bought some cute clothes too, but im gonna try and limit that to what i buy for the majority of the summer.
getting the sun tran home was complicated as hell but it worked out alright. public transit though, is dirty. lets be real.
now im just sitting in my dorm, tired and sunburnt and waiting for b to get off work. i have to do laundry tomorrow.
i love working with erik. i figured out the closest thing i compare him to is working with seth rogen. their voices are the same, and they both have potty mouths, lol. erik showed me the blatant pornart in the basement of the cancer center, and he dropped a cap and said "that goes on the bottle, dumbass." he also messed up a western blot we were doing and when someone asked me "how are you," he replied and said "oh shes doing great, just watching a dumbass fuck up his experiments." he really is fun to work with and im learning alot.
jeff and i have become friendly which is really good. were talking through some things and im trying to trust him but i dont know if i should or not. i love him to death though, even still so im sure i will in time. i guess all i can do is be the girl he fell in love with. i have some big decisions to make. theyre all stressing me out pretty badly.
thursday night me, dianna,dionne, bubba, noah and alvin all rode the sun tran to the movies at el con. half of us ate at in and out (such as myself, and yes, it was fucking good) then the other half ate at chik fil a. then we all split again at the movies, i watched get him to the greek with bubba and dionne. i really like bubba. his laugh is terribly contagious and hes funny. me, bubba and dianna are together alot and i have fun with them. anyways, the movie was ok, not as funny as advertised but it was entertaining.
we got back about an hour late but robby (who as far as ra's go, is a joke) was fine with it, we were surprised he was even still there. dianna and i stay up really late and its been killing us at work. were up to 1 or 2 usually.
yesterday was fairly eventless. i was barely at work cuz erik wasnt there in the morning and i only worked about a 1/2 hr in the afternoon splitting cells. then after work dianna and i took a nap and she left on a date. i stayed and got some business hw done, which im falling a bit behind on. that night i went shopping on university blvd and fell in like with alot of the stuff at urban outfitters. there was a gorgeous dress but i couldnt allow myself to buy it...on sale for 30...i got a cute black lace tube top tho, and only 10$$!!
i slept wonderfully, from 1 to 1030....i needed the sleep. i got to wake up and talk to jeff, which is always a nice start to my day. i really miss being "official" with him.
then i walked 6 miles to the tucson mall, which was a mistake. i dont think i need to go in depth with that one.
not to blab about jeff, but being there really made me miss how things used to be between us. i really miss the plans and i really miss having someone to lean on. i see all these couples together and it hurts, i see the stupid engagement ring ads and it makes me cringe with both jealousy and pain. i wanted it even more than i thought i did. but they say the things you work the hardest for are the most worth it, so maybe this will just improve things, like it did last time.
i spent alot more money than i would have liked. but i loved having "me" time and i loved feeling so girly. i bought some cute clothes too, but im gonna try and limit that to what i buy for the majority of the summer.
getting the sun tran home was complicated as hell but it worked out alright. public transit though, is dirty. lets be real.
now im just sitting in my dorm, tired and sunburnt and waiting for b to get off work. i have to do laundry tomorrow.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
today...was a good day.
jeff and i have been talking and we're working on our relationship as friends. having him in my life, even just as friends, makes my day alot brighter. i love that boy.
jeff and i were up late talking and poor dianna's alarm woke us both up, then i woke up super ass late and had to haul ass getting ready again. but i made it in time and i always beat erik anyways so it doesnt really matter.
working in the lab has been going well. ive been doing alot of experiments on my own and erik is really cool when i mess up, which i did alot today (i even broke equipment lol) i need to be getting more sleep though, ive been exhausted constantly and im afraid its starting to effect my work. which leads into my next topic...
me and dianna both got home from work and just crashed. we've never had to do that before lol. apparently alot of people did today, bubba, us, etc. but anyways we were napping all fine and then all of a sudden a super ass loud missle-warning like sound woke us up. we stared at each other in confusion for awhile then heard yelling outside. we both jumped out of bed and opened the door and people were telling us to evacuate because of a fire alarm. me and dianna raced to pick up our stuff, her phone and our room key, and we raced outside with everyone else, and turns out some asshole had started a fire making toast in a microwave. what a fucking doucher. so we went back to our room, still sleepy and panicked, and dianna ate dinner while i worked on some homework, then we all (dianna bubba noah brea and me) all walked to the rec center and worked out, then swam til closing time. it was really fun, and i love all the people im becoming friends with. i love it here, almost like home. im gonna miss it when i have to go trudge through my senior year.
jeffs on vacation here in tucson...i hope hes having fun!
jeff and i were up late talking and poor dianna's alarm woke us both up, then i woke up super ass late and had to haul ass getting ready again. but i made it in time and i always beat erik anyways so it doesnt really matter.
working in the lab has been going well. ive been doing alot of experiments on my own and erik is really cool when i mess up, which i did alot today (i even broke equipment lol) i need to be getting more sleep though, ive been exhausted constantly and im afraid its starting to effect my work. which leads into my next topic...
me and dianna both got home from work and just crashed. we've never had to do that before lol. apparently alot of people did today, bubba, us, etc. but anyways we were napping all fine and then all of a sudden a super ass loud missle-warning like sound woke us up. we stared at each other in confusion for awhile then heard yelling outside. we both jumped out of bed and opened the door and people were telling us to evacuate because of a fire alarm. me and dianna raced to pick up our stuff, her phone and our room key, and we raced outside with everyone else, and turns out some asshole had started a fire making toast in a microwave. what a fucking doucher. so we went back to our room, still sleepy and panicked, and dianna ate dinner while i worked on some homework, then we all (dianna bubba noah brea and me) all walked to the rec center and worked out, then swam til closing time. it was really fun, and i love all the people im becoming friends with. i love it here, almost like home. im gonna miss it when i have to go trudge through my senior year.
jeffs on vacation here in tucson...i hope hes having fun!
Friday, June 11, 2010
bad times...
things have been getting worse.
something happened with jeffs email to where bad pictures were sent to his friend lisa? he thinks i hacked him email and sent the pictures...i could see the blame being on me but he wont let me prove it...i had left my laptop at home on accident and was meaning to go get it today, but my mom told me never to come home so here i am...still at ua....i figured out it was maddy and maddy brown using my laptop and i dont know how, i wish i did, but maddy brown had some code to disable email logins or something. im in huge trouble with my mom over the pictures and i had to beg maddy to just apologize to jeff. she says she texted him today but who knows....
something strange is going on, or so it seems....the night of orientation jeff was telling me not to worry about lisa but he left me the next day....what happened? jeff has always seemed like an incredibly faithful guy so i dont think he would have gone to orientation with the intention of leaving me....the day before he left we had dinner with his parents and it went wonderfully. he told me how his mom approved of us getting married someday....i loved it. i was scared for his orientation, and that night he comforted me and told me he planned on getting a promise ring...i honestly do love jeff. i want that future with him more than anything in the world. i try to get over him.....but if you really love someone you find you cant. i think jeff loves me, i think....maybe this girl has him in a state of lust? maybe she really is just his friend? i have no clue....he wont talk to me and i feel like i didnt just lose my love, but i also lost my best friend in the world....ive never been close to anyone like i am with jeff, and even now, without him here im still adhering to the same things as if he was....i ignore matt and tjs texts and i think about him constantly...all i can do right now is prove i didnt send the emails and prove im loyal to him. if he has to date someone else to realize he has someone that loves him rightunder his nose...well sobeit....
something happened with jeffs email to where bad pictures were sent to his friend lisa? he thinks i hacked him email and sent the pictures...i could see the blame being on me but he wont let me prove it...i had left my laptop at home on accident and was meaning to go get it today, but my mom told me never to come home so here i am...still at ua....i figured out it was maddy and maddy brown using my laptop and i dont know how, i wish i did, but maddy brown had some code to disable email logins or something. im in huge trouble with my mom over the pictures and i had to beg maddy to just apologize to jeff. she says she texted him today but who knows....
something strange is going on, or so it seems....the night of orientation jeff was telling me not to worry about lisa but he left me the next day....what happened? jeff has always seemed like an incredibly faithful guy so i dont think he would have gone to orientation with the intention of leaving me....the day before he left we had dinner with his parents and it went wonderfully. he told me how his mom approved of us getting married someday....i loved it. i was scared for his orientation, and that night he comforted me and told me he planned on getting a promise ring...i honestly do love jeff. i want that future with him more than anything in the world. i try to get over him.....but if you really love someone you find you cant. i think jeff loves me, i think....maybe this girl has him in a state of lust? maybe she really is just his friend? i have no clue....he wont talk to me and i feel like i didnt just lose my love, but i also lost my best friend in the world....ive never been close to anyone like i am with jeff, and even now, without him here im still adhering to the same things as if he was....i ignore matt and tjs texts and i think about him constantly...all i can do right now is prove i didnt send the emails and prove im loyal to him. if he has to date someone else to realize he has someone that loves him rightunder his nose...well sobeit....
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
i wish it was night everyday
today wasnt as great emotion-wise but ive made it through just fine. i woke up this morning incredibly tired with my calves major sore and got ready and hurried on over to the cat tran stop to get to the cancer center by 830, and i barely made it on the shuttle and got over to the cancer center early, like 815. since erik wasnt gonna be there jane, a senior researcher there, was gonna take me to caf to see the animals (the mice). i was scared cuz i was basically going into the heart of the animal testing operation, but i figured it was a new experience i could benefit from. so jane got there and we baorded the cattran and headed over to caf. i had to sign in and wear a visitors pass and she told me how protestors broke in back in the 80's and stole all their shit. then we went to the animal rooms and i had to wear booties over my shoes and this yellow gown. i couldnt touch the mousies cuz i wasnt certified, but i watched jane get the mousies in the cages to breed for new strains and to keep certain strains and learned about the incredible amount of record keeping that goes into it....then we had to take the brothers and sisters of the mousies we didnt use for breeding and taking to the necropsy room, aka euthanasia. it made me sad. the techs do the euthanizing but it was real sad being in the room where its done and seeing all the equipment. then we got rid of our scientific garments and took the tran back to the cancer center, and i watched sally (another researcher like erik)'s tech named ana (a pretty islamic-ish girl who just graduated) do a pcr reaction and split some cells. it was cool and i feel like one of these days i may be able to split cells on my own. then for lunch i headed to the hospital cafeteria since it was the closest, and it was a huge mistake cuz it was crowded as crap and i barely had time to eat the food that wasnt too great (not their fault, they were busy) and then headed back to cancer center to basically sit around and observe til ana told me to leave basically. then i walked to the union just to sit in some shade (i was gonna buy a lanyard for my badge and keys at the bookstore but decided to wait til next week)and called my mom to listen to her talk to other people...then i walked to the med school library and read some stuff in a medical textbook then i walked back to the dorms, barely stayed awake, while reading a chapter in my business book. i went outside and read in manzi's little courtyard and it was nice. after my reading i was feeling tense so i packed up all my stuff to go swimming again!!! when i walk to the rec center, i like to take different routes each time cuz by the end of the 7 weeks i want to be able to get to any building at UA, i want to KNOW the campus in and out. so i enjoyed that, and i think cochise hall is gorgeous. i love the architecture on alot of the buildings, actually. and the newer dorms across from jeff's dorm look really nice as well. so i got in the rec center, changed and then hopped into another lap lane for the pool....and i swam 40 LAPS!!!! it felt really lovely, again. i hit my head on the side of the pool when i zoned out on backstrokes though, but im pretty sure i dont have daim bramage. (haha) so then i showered in the "low self esteem" locker rooms again with my bag near me and all my stuff got SOAKED. yeah...that wasnt good. but my phone wallet and clothes i wore to the rec center survived so i just wore those. i felt really good again after that and im fairly certain im still gonna go to UA for college. anyways i walked back to my dorm with my hair wet, blowdried and then at 830 left to get some food. i wanted paradise or jamba, but their summer hours close at like 3 i guess, so i just walked down university blvd to find somewhere to eat. i saw pei wei, where jeff went but it was a little too expensive for me, jeff likes exotic things i guess, which is cool. and he can actually use chopsticks. but i went to the place right next to pei wei, a place called la salsa that reminded me of baja fresh. and i love salsa. i just got two tacos and they gave me chips and i got a coke (no dp!) and ate by myself but that was ok i guess. until some college boys came in all obnoxious and started asking people to come "party" with them and i decided to leave. i hope jeff stays jeff and is never like that. walking back some dude tried to get money off me. the night air felt so wonderful, it felt absolutely fantastic and i felt so at home, like in phoenix. i felt so great i sat outside my dorm until i had a sudden urge to make poo. it was beautiful outside, like god's apology for making it so hot in the daytime. the air and the breeze and the lights felt so great and my dorm building looks beautiful and i just sat there and soaked it in for a long time. i wanted the air to be that way forever. "only the brightest stars shine in a place with so many lights" the city, you've gotta have major talent to stick out. thats a true statement when concerning astronomy as well. in show low the sky has a ton of stars. in tucson and phoenix you can only see the really bright stars. i really miss jeff.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
swimming!
so i know i already wrote today, but without jeff i dont have anyone to talk to besides my mom, so anyways afteri finished up some hw i exchanged my bra for my swimtop and shoved all my shower stuff in a bag and headed over to the rec center to try out their pool. after getting about 1/4 of the way there (for a walk thats at least 20 min) i had to turn around cuz i realized i forgot swim bottoms...at least i discovered it before i went to change. then i got there and had them swipe my kickass new REC CENTER CARD through the temporary entrance, got in, very briefly checked out the upstairs, then headed down to the girls locker room to change, then headed out and had one of the most relieving times ive had all week. the pool wasnt terribly busy and it was quite large, there were alot of blue and red lanes set up and then a section without lanes for the lazy college kids to sit. so i slid into the lane and the water was a little cold at first but felt nice. then i swam and swam and it was so tiring but it felt wonderful, it left me out of breath and my abs had a wonderful little burn and every little bit i would secretly race the guy next to me. my goal was 24 laps, but in an attempt to one-up the swimmer next to me i went to 30 laps! thats over a mile! i felt really good, when i was swimming my worries seemed to actually not be in my mind for once, i was just focused on swimming and the sky and thinking of my future...how i could make something that looked so bleak something to look forward to.i figure no matter where jeff goes, ill still go UA for med school. AHSC and UMC is basically where we've been everyday and taking seminars on the same floor as the OB/GYN is kinda cool. I think id like to be an ob who specializes in infertility, so i can help people who cant have babies. that can really upset people, like the wife who had hobos hired to kill her cuz she was too depressed and it was immoral to suicide in her church. ethical debate much? but after my massive stress relief session i went back to the nice big locker room and took a shower in the "low self esteem" section with the curtains while ladies just showered all nekkid out in the open. i didnt have a comb but i did what i could with my wet hair and left to walk back to my dorm in the dark...and it was wonderful. it was so warm and lovely and i felt so at home, i felt like i used to in phx walking at night...and it felt so good and i was just so put at ease...my boy trouble nearly disappeared and it was like i was back at home....im gonna swim more often.
today
so today didnt start off terribly great. but i like it right now, im sitting in the lounge and no one is here meaning the tv is mine : ) and 16 and pregnant is on which always makes me feel a little better about boy problems, cuz at least i dont have a baby with him that i must take care of on my own. thats definately a bright side. this morning woke up way more tired than i shouldve been, and got ready and headed over near the....civil engineering? building to take the cat tran over to ahsc-arizona health sciences center, over next to umc, up to the 8th floor and in a symposium to watch a slideshow presented by a highup u of a vet on animal testing. yeah, i didnt enjoy that. then we went over to the ahsc library, which is the library for the med school, and now we have access to that ! which makes me feel kinda special and smart, like the med students. i also got my u of a badge. meaning im gonna have to invest in a lanyard, cuz now i have somthing other than my dorm key to put on there..after that and a survey i emailed my mentor (erik) and waited for him to get back to me to go to the lab and start ! i walked over to the union (yes, its hot, and yes, its easier to wait for the cat tran) and ate in the food court at their healthy food place, a place called iq something? i got a wrap with chicken in it and saved the rest for dinner cuz it was de-lishhh. then i got an email back from erik and headed to the lab, where he should me some really complicated stuff, some of it i knew from biology but i recall i didnt do so fantastic in biology, so he gave me a lab book that i took a ton of notes in. i was only there til about 3...and now here i am! after i write this i plan on continuing my hw on my business classes til about 7, then walking to the rec center to swim! and hopfully take a shower and wash my hair there, too. things in my personal life havent been good lately, but im trying to make the best of it and salvage what i can. its saddening, especially when talking to my mom about it she said i would never really get over it....but i figure if he and i were meant to be together, we'll get back together someday. for now, i just need to accept being friends (hopefully) and being a good friend. id rather have him in my life than not.
Monday, June 7, 2010
things to remember...
living the same as a college student would has already made me take note of things to remember for when i start my university experience for more reals...
1. community bathrooms >>> suites
2. invest in a bike. you may enjoy walking, but bikes provide a faster and more convenient way to get from place to place. invest in a nice lock. cheap bike, pricey lock.
3. dont forget your towel when you take a shower....
4. apply to everywhere youre interested in. your college choice was just made alot harder, lets face it, youre not gonna decide til the last minute anyways. take your time and choose wisely.
5. keep dorms in mind....but also keep apmtns in mind. you can afford either one. only some campuses have on campus apartments
6. learn to love yourself. that makes it alot easier for someone else to love you.
7. make a girlfriend. someone of the same sex who you can talk to and hang out with. youve been dealt a shitty hand with that in the past, but learn to make the best of who is there for you.
8. being small and feeling small are two separate things. i learned about them both today. dont ever let yourself feel small.
9. be proud of yourself. you competed to be in a program that can basically be your near ticket into med school and any undergrad research job. congratulate yourself, build some confidence before you move on to your next worry.
10. worry less
11. enjoy the opportunities that await you. they wont be there forever.
12. keep saving your money. your trip after you graduate may just be you now, but still save the money in case things change and you still want to go.
13. make friends with your roommate. VITAL
14. buy your own water bottle....1.25 for vending machine water??? heeellll no.
15. buy your own food. not from the campus. unless you come into some inheritance, dont depend on well-priced necessities from ANYWHERE on campus. even the knock-off bookstore you thought would be cheap.
16. find out why you cant hang hangers on the pipes on the ceiling in the dorm. that question is gonna plague you til you do.
17. even though youre sad, try your best to put on a happy face. dont draw others into your sadness. they have sadness too.
18. try and get a job as an RA
19. eat more
20. specifically take advantage of what UA has to offer now, so you can decide if you still want to go there or not.
1. community bathrooms >>> suites
2. invest in a bike. you may enjoy walking, but bikes provide a faster and more convenient way to get from place to place. invest in a nice lock. cheap bike, pricey lock.
3. dont forget your towel when you take a shower....
4. apply to everywhere youre interested in. your college choice was just made alot harder, lets face it, youre not gonna decide til the last minute anyways. take your time and choose wisely.
5. keep dorms in mind....but also keep apmtns in mind. you can afford either one. only some campuses have on campus apartments
6. learn to love yourself. that makes it alot easier for someone else to love you.
7. make a girlfriend. someone of the same sex who you can talk to and hang out with. youve been dealt a shitty hand with that in the past, but learn to make the best of who is there for you.
8. being small and feeling small are two separate things. i learned about them both today. dont ever let yourself feel small.
9. be proud of yourself. you competed to be in a program that can basically be your near ticket into med school and any undergrad research job. congratulate yourself, build some confidence before you move on to your next worry.
10. worry less
11. enjoy the opportunities that await you. they wont be there forever.
12. keep saving your money. your trip after you graduate may just be you now, but still save the money in case things change and you still want to go.
13. make friends with your roommate. VITAL
14. buy your own water bottle....1.25 for vending machine water??? heeellll no.
15. buy your own food. not from the campus. unless you come into some inheritance, dont depend on well-priced necessities from ANYWHERE on campus. even the knock-off bookstore you thought would be cheap.
16. find out why you cant hang hangers on the pipes on the ceiling in the dorm. that question is gonna plague you til you do.
17. even though youre sad, try your best to put on a happy face. dont draw others into your sadness. they have sadness too.
18. try and get a job as an RA
19. eat more
20. specifically take advantage of what UA has to offer now, so you can decide if you still want to go there or not.
u of a
so yesterday i got orientation-ed into the dorms here at ua....manzinata mohave....i like the dorms so far, community bathrooms and the lobby seems pretty nice too. theres alot of other big groups here and theyre kinda obnoxious but otherwise everything here is good...im really lonely though. havent made much for friends. today i got my job assignment and ill be working in the cancer center at umc in skin cancer research. my boss is some really old guy whose like the head of the cancer center i guess and the guy ill be working most closely with is a kinda youngish guy, he has kids so not hugely young i guess, named eric who seems cool. he seemed to not really be aware of me though, they had just told him about me today, so i felt bad, and kinda like an intruder. he gave me some stuff that his boss published to read, which ill prob get to here soon...jeff and i are currently separated, which not only makes life in general hard, but has made being at this campus exceedingly difficult...every step im reminded of him and when we visited here and all the plans we had for here....he's been ignorning me pretty heavily but im still gonna try my best to fix it...i really want that, and i love him and no matter how long and what it takes, im gonna try and fix the issue, which apparently is 1: my emotional issue,(losing him makes me lose my will, which upsets him) and 2. communication. with my emotional issue, im trying to fix. its something i need to fix for my own health as well as the health of our relationship. im trying to keep myself busy, productive, and build self esteem...i dont really think its fair for that to have made me lose my 'week', the time i had to fix the communication issue, because jeff has had those emotional problems as well. it was prob less than two weeks ago that he told me i was his will to live....but i still need to fix it up. i think hes afraid that if i did myself in people would blame him, but ive never thought that was true, people would just blame me being depressed about it....i think. anyways, even though im really sad and feeling really lonely, im gonna trudge on in hopes that perhaps we can be good friends, and hopefully soon re-merge into a relationship...the second issue was communication....at orientation, the first day went pretty well. he was texting me fairly often and had comforted me a great deal the night before about it....which was really appreciated....it wasnt until he said he made a friend with a girl that i freaked out....i thought he wasnt going to do that...? i think i trust him...i honestly believe he wouldnt do anything with a girl that would come close to cheating or even flirting...i guess i just worry about others i suppose. the second day though i freaked and constantly texted him and im sure i was annoying, even though it was just that everything he was doing was taking a long time, like his schedule took 3 hours, which is pretty bad...anyway....i really miss him....ive been physically sick from the stress...yesterday morning i had to kick my mom out of the bathroom to throw up, and my dad had to help her drive cuz i wasnt able to drive through the canyon....i hope beyond hope to be able to fix everything...
Sunday, May 2, 2010
guilt kills...
jeff has gone to great lengths to ignore me...last night and yesterday was horrible. my sister spent all day in the er because she was screaming in pain here, got told at the er that she was passing too many kidney stones to even count, she apparently has gallstones, an infection, and somethng is wrong with her ribs, and is at severe risk (or already has) kidney disease and her piss looks like iced tea. of course they are thinking that because of genetics, i could have any variety of those complications as well. so my mom, blah blah blah about genetics and i am so tempted to say, really? WE HAVE DIFFERENT DADS. UNLESS IT IS FROM YOUR SIDE, NO, I PROBABLY DONT. it was because i was eating like a fucktard and i had a fuckin double cheeser for lunch, for someone who cant handle dairy well. on top of that, work was bad. then i missed him, really bad last night...prom night...missed my love, even though he's been raging angry lately (he said it wasnt all me, but if it wasnt....why would he go to such great lengths to ignore me?) so i wait a few hours for him to get online (i didnt know his work schedule) and then all of a sudden he pops online, goes invisible, posts angry stuff on facebook, then idk what. his phone has been off. i was feeling horrible last night, in major mode caused by a mixture of guilt and sadness. i was feeling guilty for putting him in the position he was in (i really am sorry for it, he doesnt believe it) and i was sad that he had made light of my mood like that... i imagined all the things i had wanted with jeff, it made me want to stop. i imagined the things he said the other night i had tried to end life, how i was taking away everything that mattered to him....and that really, really made me want to stop.but then i remembered the past few hours, how i had told him multiple times that i couldnt make it through the night and we needed to talk...and how we ignored it all....if i mattered that much, why would he ignore it? and i kept going. i remembered letting him down and i hated myself for it, so i kept going. i remembered the next year, the impending pain and jealousy, and i kept going...but in the end, obviously, it didnt work....it was able to slice, but not dice...it also would have been impossible to sharpen the razor without waking anyone up, and i already knew from experience that the knives were just as dull. i feel ashamed and crazy just knowing i would try something like this, again...but i also still wonder if it was good luck or bad luck that it didnt work.....
jeff either hasnt been online all day, or the suicidal mood he had took him out....im incredibly worried. ...im sorry, im scared, im guilty, im worried....i figure ill wait til 9 tonight and if i havent heard from him....then i have to call his house, as scary as it seems. jeff, if youre reading this somewhere, please let me know whats going on.....im sorry about the book.
jeff either hasnt been online all day, or the suicidal mood he had took him out....im incredibly worried. ...im sorry, im scared, im guilty, im worried....i figure ill wait til 9 tonight and if i havent heard from him....then i have to call his house, as scary as it seems. jeff, if youre reading this somewhere, please let me know whats going on.....im sorry about the book.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
no prom for me....
so...last december i took someone to winter formal just so i would be guaranteed to be able to go to prom with jeff. i went through the guilt, he went through the jealousy and pain so we could go to prom together.
well, i was voted top ten for royalty this year....but jeff didnt want to take me.
so not only was the whole fiasco (and the root of the beginnings of what caused jeff to leave the first time) a complete and total waste, but i lost out on both an experience and a chance to win a title many girls dream of.
im disappointed....and im really feeling it tonight...i really wanted to go with him....i truly did. im truly sad he really and truly didnt take me. im really sad about this...
on top of that, he downloaded some game stuff on his laptop for me and wont let me use it....he doesnt even give me a chance to show him im not a total fuck....does he honestly think i would break it? that i would destroy the only line of communication we currently have?
the, as i was sitting in a room surrounded by teachers and my mother, he called and started screaming at me because I DIDNT TURN IN A LIBRARY BOOK. yes, i was wrong, i should have turned it in by now. yes, it is all my fault. yes, im going to pay the fine. i realize his parents overreact about everything and thats what most probably causes him to overreact, and i do deserve him to be mad at me. but he said some fairly unnecessary and rude things to me, then justified it by saying "what else am i supposed to say?" if i said things like that to him....he would leave me in a second. go ahead, be mad at me, i deserve it. but treating me like your mother treats you? is that really necessary?
it really did hurt my feelings. i felt numb the rest of the day, and i honestly felt abused. yeah, i fucked up. yeah, be mad at me. but no, verbally abusing me and treating me like a child.....you dont treat a partner like that. i learned that. and i really am sorry, because i know he's got to deal with his mom freaking out and i have no doubt that that's unpleasant. i do feel bad and i am sorry for breaching some trust. but it was an honest mistake. i am sorry, and i do deserve to be on the receiving end of some anger, but there is a point where you cease with the harsh words and realize what exactly it was i did wrong: i didnt turn in a library book on time...
i love jeff to death, but with things like that i start to wonder if he is turning into exactly what he is trying to avoid. his parents are the cause of some of it im sure....he has every password to everything i have. every email, every facebook/myspace account, etc. he refuses to even let me use his computer. i honestly think he is hiding something from me. cheating on me? maybe. planning things? possibly. whatever it is, it makes me uncomfortable and worried and scared. i honestly would not do a single thing i know he wouldnt want me to do. but he doesnt even give me a chance to prove that to him...meaning he's gotta be hiding something. hopefully not a bad thing....but most probably a bad thing...it makes me feel horrible. like i have no power, no say, no control. that im the underdog in this relationship and its something i have to accept...is it because im the girl? that naturally, im powerless? is it because im still working my way up from our breakup, to become a better person? is it because his parents tell him not to trust me? i am a different person than i was last december. there are many things i know not to do now.
well, i was voted top ten for royalty this year....but jeff didnt want to take me.
so not only was the whole fiasco (and the root of the beginnings of what caused jeff to leave the first time) a complete and total waste, but i lost out on both an experience and a chance to win a title many girls dream of.
im disappointed....and im really feeling it tonight...i really wanted to go with him....i truly did. im truly sad he really and truly didnt take me. im really sad about this...
on top of that, he downloaded some game stuff on his laptop for me and wont let me use it....he doesnt even give me a chance to show him im not a total fuck....does he honestly think i would break it? that i would destroy the only line of communication we currently have?
the, as i was sitting in a room surrounded by teachers and my mother, he called and started screaming at me because I DIDNT TURN IN A LIBRARY BOOK. yes, i was wrong, i should have turned it in by now. yes, it is all my fault. yes, im going to pay the fine. i realize his parents overreact about everything and thats what most probably causes him to overreact, and i do deserve him to be mad at me. but he said some fairly unnecessary and rude things to me, then justified it by saying "what else am i supposed to say?" if i said things like that to him....he would leave me in a second. go ahead, be mad at me, i deserve it. but treating me like your mother treats you? is that really necessary?
it really did hurt my feelings. i felt numb the rest of the day, and i honestly felt abused. yeah, i fucked up. yeah, be mad at me. but no, verbally abusing me and treating me like a child.....you dont treat a partner like that. i learned that. and i really am sorry, because i know he's got to deal with his mom freaking out and i have no doubt that that's unpleasant. i do feel bad and i am sorry for breaching some trust. but it was an honest mistake. i am sorry, and i do deserve to be on the receiving end of some anger, but there is a point where you cease with the harsh words and realize what exactly it was i did wrong: i didnt turn in a library book on time...
i love jeff to death, but with things like that i start to wonder if he is turning into exactly what he is trying to avoid. his parents are the cause of some of it im sure....he has every password to everything i have. every email, every facebook/myspace account, etc. he refuses to even let me use his computer. i honestly think he is hiding something from me. cheating on me? maybe. planning things? possibly. whatever it is, it makes me uncomfortable and worried and scared. i honestly would not do a single thing i know he wouldnt want me to do. but he doesnt even give me a chance to prove that to him...meaning he's gotta be hiding something. hopefully not a bad thing....but most probably a bad thing...it makes me feel horrible. like i have no power, no say, no control. that im the underdog in this relationship and its something i have to accept...is it because im the girl? that naturally, im powerless? is it because im still working my way up from our breakup, to become a better person? is it because his parents tell him not to trust me? i am a different person than i was last december. there are many things i know not to do now.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
new
things are a bit better now. jeff and i are back together and though there have been some hiccups along the way we're really trying to make it work, or at least i am. sometimes i really wonder if he even wants me around. it seems like even when i am trying my hardest, its not enough..i hate the drama as much as anyone else. i just find it strange how much the tables have turned, and how differently things are going than i had always imagined it. i never thought he would leave for college early, and he had always told me he wouldnt. now,less than four months til he moves down there without me...its sad, and scary, and it makes me question him in ways i never thought id have to...i would sacrifice anything for him, and he doesnt believe it, yet i have no idea how to prove it. it seems like instead of us working together, its me working for 'us' while he works for himself until i even out the score i guess...but if thats what its gonna take, then thats what im gonna do.
i read this thing on msn one day called like, proposals gone wrong? and it was funny. but the best part of the article was the advice at the bottom. though it was pertaining to proposals, it said not to compare your boyfriends actions with those of other people's boy's. basically not to compare, because it is unfair to him, because those other guys have flaws of their own too. im definately guilty of that, and im gonna try and stop.
speaking of proposals, my head has been completely wrapped around that lately. cody hawkins proposed to his gf (whose actually been in college 2 years at this point) and hes only a few months older than jeff, and they havent been together much longer (if at all) than us...
i just have this horrible longing to elevate us to that 'status.' engaged. i want it soooo badly. to me, thats a guarantee for a future, and i just need that boost of faith to get me (and us) through this next year. to know that he loves me that much to ask me that....i want it so badly. i know he wouldnt ask unless it was forever. and i just really need to know that he wants it forever. i want that so badly.
i read this thing on msn one day called like, proposals gone wrong? and it was funny. but the best part of the article was the advice at the bottom. though it was pertaining to proposals, it said not to compare your boyfriends actions with those of other people's boy's. basically not to compare, because it is unfair to him, because those other guys have flaws of their own too. im definately guilty of that, and im gonna try and stop.
speaking of proposals, my head has been completely wrapped around that lately. cody hawkins proposed to his gf (whose actually been in college 2 years at this point) and hes only a few months older than jeff, and they havent been together much longer (if at all) than us...
i just have this horrible longing to elevate us to that 'status.' engaged. i want it soooo badly. to me, thats a guarantee for a future, and i just need that boost of faith to get me (and us) through this next year. to know that he loves me that much to ask me that....i want it so badly. i know he wouldnt ask unless it was forever. and i just really need to know that he wants it forever. i want that so badly.
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