last week...

this is jeff's last week until he moves to tucson.
so many emotions have been running through me it is hard to discern how i feel. i fel hurt but i also feel selfish. i feel afraid but i also feel some confidence. i feel angry, but id rather go burrow under a blanket and cry. i feel sad and weak, strong and hopeful.
there are many times where i feel very strong. where i think of 'good' jeff, and how he's a faithful guy and wouldnt hurt me. how sweet and kind he is, how thoughtful and considerate and committed. but then i remember june, and lisa, and how easy it was for him to write me off. how easy it was for him to ignore me. how he knew he was hurting me but didnt mind...was it just an honest mistake? did i deserve it? will i ever fully trust him again?
i love him to death but each second that passes he is closer to leaving the more fearful i get. i also realize each second is a second nearer to when we can finally live 'our' life. but fear is something i will live with until that day finally comes, when my birthday comes and finally 'free to be' and then much more will feel complete.
and the physical part doesnt bother me much. the not being able to kiss or hug him bothers me, but it doesnt cause me the most grief. ill miss everything. his smile, his hugs, his smell, watching him do something ordinary, feeling his breath on my neck, his words that give me goosebumps...seeing his handsome face, and of course the rest of his sexy self...his skin, his chest, god, everything. every little thing. but thats not what bothers me the most.
what if another lisa thing came up again? i dont know what id do. all i can do is try my best to trust in him. and i want to trust in him, i want to.
he's been talking to his roomy and i guess he's big on drinking. but why would i have expected that to go right, right? i was kinda hurt that i wasnt mentioned in any of the emails but i dont think stuff regarding girls ever came up, but still.
he can spend hours trying to build my confidence, then get angry and send it spiralling down. last night we had been talking on skype, then it turned into some pretty nasty arguing and he said he could say 'see ya next year' and that he didnt know if he wanted to sacrifice for me anymore. then it was like back to square 1.
there are times when i look at the world and wonder if i could ever be a happy person. if i could integrate myself as seamlessly as it all looks, even though i know things are never as they seem. i really think i could be happy with jeff. even through these next months, i know i could be. i know i want to be a bigger part of his life. i know i want to marry him, and live and grow with him, and go through the motions of life with him. it is something i KNOW, that is as factual to me as the sky being blue and the earth being round. but i know he gets confused, and i guess that hurts me. but thats not his fault..
i want to be with him and know that my relationship with him is never in jeopardy. i want to know that he can be around beautiful girls and not feel like im inferior...
...ive done things wrong and i feel horrible about them... i never meant to hurt him...he doesnt believe me about the matt stuff, and i would be hurt too if i were him, but it was something that i felt was out of my control...i never wanted matt over jeff, and i never considered matt in jeff's place. in my mind it has always been me and jeff. for the past nearly 3 years this boy has been the subject of 90% of my thought processes. i love him more and more everyday. he is my best friend. i cant imagine life without him, and when i try, it scares me. i fear losing him more than anything in the world, more than anything someone could ever do or say. fear is a natural part of life i suppose.
jeff's mama went through a blog or something about narcissistic moms and things they do and i saw an astonishing amount of similarities between the facts and my own mom. jeff's mom is saying im abused and its hard to swallow. could it be true? it certainly looks true. how could i have not seen all these things? is it really her and not me? ive always felt like im always in the wrong, but is it really her? shes called me crazy a few times and the past few months i have felt that way. is something wrong with me, or is it just her? how am i supposed to handle the next few months? why do my emotions not ring important to people? does jeffs mom really want to help, or is she only being nice because she thinks i will disappear in a few days? i admit, what my mom did has brought up my skepticism in other people, especially jeff. will i ever trust again? can i? should i? is it a problem with me, or what my mom has instilled in me? does my family make me unattractive to jeff and his family? will people judge me based upon her behavior? i feel guilty, she is my mom...but i shouldnt feel guilty. how can i not feel this way? so conflicted? i have never felt natural confiding in others. is that something my mom has done to me? has she messed me up for life? why? i appreciate everything his mom has done for me, her talking and her advice and her sympathy. i just hope the sincerity is real.
i want to become a part of jeffs family; it seems like i have been torn from my own.
today i got sick in the middle of body conditioning and i dont know why. i ate the same things as jeff today and he seemed alright. i feel a bit better now but i hope its done for now. ive really been enjoying the class. im glad i have it. we do alot of the same stretches and workout routines each day but i feel it every time. it seems to help with some of the stress. we did step aerobics today to a cheesy 90's video and i liked it. the videos reminded me of ones i used to do with my mom years ago when we lived in chandler on crestview. i miss not being manipulated, and i miss my home.
i miss my baby already and i need to savor the time i have with him. im sad. im disappointed he really is leaving me behind. i dont really know where i rank on his priorities anymore. i guess im lucky for whatever i have.