engaged.

this weekend was eventful.
i woke up next to the most amazing man in the world, and i got engaged.
jeff picked me up around 1130 sunday labor day weekend and we drove to tucson together. i drove the second half and he fell asleep on my shoulder.
we first stopped at the mall and he bought us charleys for lunch. we were incredibly hungry. cheese fries with bacon bits...was good.
then we went to his dorm and i saw the new location of his day to day life. it was wonderful seeing where his new life is but also saddening. i often feel like a loser trapped here for another 258 days whereas he gets to live with some degree of freedom...but his dorm was cute, sorta obnoxious inside and his room was smaller than mine and messy as fuck. i met shane and he looked different from when i saw him the first time. not to be bitchy but jeff is definately the sexier of the two. after some time at the dorm we left on a short walk to wait for shane to leave to some frat thing. walking around campus reminding me of over the summer and i wasnt sure if that was a good thing or bad thing. i see last summer as a sammich, of some good in between some bad, so i feel conflicted. the issues make me just want to run away after graduation to california or ny, somewhere where maybe i could escape my messups and bad experiences. i was also afraid to see lisa. jeff has only ran into her twice but twice is twice too many and its still possible, and i dont know what i would have done had i seen her. probably freeze up. jeff showed me where his class in the harvill building was and upon our return to the dorm shane and some guy were leaving so we ....yeah. i dont need to write that down to remember that. for a few hours. it was exhausting and i did a few things im not quite sure how to feel about. but i guess i made him happy so thats all that matters. we had some trouble choosing somewhere to eat for dinner but we walked out to university blvd and decided on no anchovies, a nice cheap pizza place that i had eaten at with dedee. walking on the way back my hand graced a ring box on his back and i dont know why but i was afraid. why so afraid of something i had been wanting so badly? was it because its delay had made it to where i had accepted waiting? i dont really know. he claimed it wasa gps and i thought he had a better imagination than that. but we sat at a dark field between posada san pedro and highland, next to a path i had always travelled going to the rec, and where the duelers always were. i laid my head on his lap and ate pizza, and during a makeout session he whisked away and got on one knee in front of me and asked me to marry him, and i fought him a little but he asked me to just say yes so i did... and i dont know whether that proposal was horribly off target or deliciously on target. am i the kind of girl where a pizza and creepy field proposal works? i dont know. im happy but i guess im disappointed because he doesnt want to tell his family. i guess when ive always viewed our marriage i see it as the integration of myself into his family, which is something i desperately want...i want it incredibly badly. ive been feeling so guilty over things ive done, including being judgemental with his mom. the day he left though, and even at graduation, i guess it made me want so badly to have a relationship with his mom and her company....idk. i want that almost just as much as i want to marry jeff. its really important to me and i had been hoping that her and i could talk but that still hasnt happened...and then i feel selfish, she has her own issues, im not her daughter, of course she does not care for me to confide in her. but are those feelings correct, or are they misconceived notions that ive had indoctrinated in me by my mom? i dont know. maybe ill never know.
so i said yes, of course, even though ive been considering asking him to put it off. it has only been a couple months since the lisa episode...that lisa thing made me into a bad person. i dont think it was my fault but i clearly was not good enough for him. idk.
he was happy it seemed. i love when hes happy. the weather was beautiful as always and the only bad thing was the squitos.we made our way back to the dorm with a ring and uneaten pizza. we cuddled and did more ... we meant to get ice cream but we wound up not leaving the dorm again. we watched snippets of good luck chuck and star wars covered love noises. we played with our phones, another thing i pressured that ifeel horribly about, but the best part didnt come until about 230...when we slept together for the first time.
it was absolutely amazing. amazing amazing amazing. he looks absolutely stunning in his sleep, and he held me, and i wasnt sure whether he was asleep or awake but when he would shift he would rub my back or my arm for a second, perhaps subconsciously. he sweat like fuck and i woke up many times during the night, and often in his armpit, where sweat was abundant. shane came home about 3 and snored like a whale. they both slept without shirts which i found funny. he talked a bit in his sleep and i couldnt stand to not look at him. i know beautiful isnt often considered for men but thats what he was--absolutely beautiful. i hope if any image ever sticks in my mind permanently it is him sleeping. angelic, soothing, beautiful. just beautiful. i hope to god i get to wake up to that beauty the rest of my life.
we woke up about 745 and cleaned up in the mens bathroom. he let me brush his teeth with his toothbrush, which im sorry, but that is the epitome of love. i washed my hair in the sink and he brushed it. i wore his deoderant because man deoderant smells like heaven. we made blueberry eggos in the kitchen, which was nasty, and ate them at a breakfast bar. the whole dorm was dead, it seemed, besides two girls in a big conference like room. then we had to leave....and it was saddening. i knew it would be hard. we drove back with the top down and my thighs got sunburned. it rained on us before globe and we grabbed mcdoubles and giant monsters for lunch. he met with his parents. she said shed like to talk to me but that will never happen i fear. i cried when he said bye before work. i cried the rest of the day. i miss him and i will always wish he never left.