Friday, November 12, 2010
over
i am so done...with everything...the past few days have been so sad and i dont know what to do with myself...jeff doesnt care for me much...he does alot for me, but what i really need is emotional support...why doesnt anybody care? why doesnt anyone listen? whenever i have a problem, no one takes me seriously...i just want to feel like someone cares...i dont want to "have my way all the time..." im not that dumb, i know about compromise and getting what i give and so on...ive been needy lately but i thought you were ok with that? i thought you liked that? i thought you wanted to take care of me? no one is perfect : / one year from yesterday. the possibilities are numerous and endless. im not getting into the school i want to. only about a month til im officially shot down. these applicants are amazing. astounding students, who really deserve it.i would have been so much better off had i never come here, had i been able to go back. take all those damn classes. have a world of opportunities before me. was i meant to meet you? you were meant to survive that wreck. was i meant to make it this far as it is?? i wanted the fucking candy, is it really that big of a deal? is it really that big of a deal to me? obviously it is, or i wouldnt be so hurt. does your parents taking you out to eat, then to a movie, and then my family going out for dinner at the same restaraunt, and no one bothering to think of me bother me? does it bother me?? it does. it really does. does going without eating for over a day bother me? it does. but apparently your mom thinks it is a "choice." why do you talk badly about me to them? dont you see, the negativity never really dissipates? big or small, it lingers? why did she touch me like that, shes not my mom. why does your jacket and shoes cost more than my engagement ring? why dont you wear the one i got you? why do your parents give you two cars, constantly give you food and pay for you, when mine get angry at me when my car breaks? not save me dinner? frequently go to restaraunts without me? have me do all the dirty work? steal from me? call me a disappointment, say that ill never get anywhere. why did i ever think your mom cared? no one cares...i am privleged. im not retarded or handicapped, i dont live in a third world country, im not starving, im not homeless. but are the basics ever good enough? im not loved. im not appreciated. i dont contribute to society, ill never be elite. my dad is out there somewhere, but i didnt matter to him. just a piece of ass. why did you give them my gift? i know you misunderstood, but that was my gift...my gift. they get that nice candy alot...they just got it a couple weeks ago. and you gave it to them, and not me? why not me? why not me? it matters alot to me! if it didnt, i woulndt make such a huge deal about it, i promise you! why do you say you dont like calling me? why dont promises matter anymore? i can run, and run, and run, and the pain is always there. numbed or real, its always there, i already know that. candice got married. augustine had a baby. jessica basically posted her engagement pics on facebook. brittaney lives with her boyfriend. am i so jealous of these teen moms because they have solace in the fact that theyre always bound? that theres a connection between them another person could never take away? are you ever too young? i guess it depends on the person. i dont think were too young. you think im immature, and im so sorry. i am, very sorry. i want to be everything for you.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
our 3 year
dear jeff
I met you exactly three years ago to the day. I remember whitley telling me that allan told her his friend liked me, but not to say anything or you would kill him. I remember being frustrated because I had no idea who this “friend” was. I thought it was paul. Then I found out it wasn’t paul, but I was able to get allan to tell whit that you had blonde hair.a few days passed and I figured people were just messing with me, and I figured “you” didn’t exist. TJ, who you hate, had the same 4th hour as me all year, and we talked about it a lot. He said he knew but couldn’t tell me, but I got him to tell me your name was Jeff. I didn’t believe him and after school a couple days before I met you I got a call from him, and he three way called allan and asked allan if you liked me, and he said yes, just to prove to me that you really did. I remember sitting outside with whitley and always seeing you hackysack, you were always the best in the group and always entertaining to watch. Hacky sack boy. I remember before I met you joking with whitley about asking you to teach us your skills. Then I remember actually meeting you. The day we met you kept on looking over at me and our eyes would keep meeting and we’d pretend we didn’t notice. I remember towards the end of lunch you finally jumping over the brick wall and talking to me. Asking if I knew your name. you said you liked rock, and southern rock, and that made me so happy to know you weren’t into rap like everyone else. I told you that. I thought you looked like paul banks. I initiated trading numbers with you, our little dinky prepaid phones. Texting you after school, on a cloudy day. You telling me you lived behind the mormon church across from the Victorian. Eating cup of noodles at acadec practice. Naking dinner and you telling me your mom made frito pie. I don’t remember if you actually liked it or not. I remember you going to your acadec scrimmage and texting me on your break, telling me about the cube. How you and ricky drove some remote control car though the hallways during practice. How the Monday after scrimmage you gave me a thing of king sized reeses and how I thought that was incredibly nice. I was honestly really flattered, though it really was so simple. You texting me and asking if it was ok if you hugged me. How I thought it was strange of you to ask, but so polite. I remember hugging you and feeling the most warm and tingly, electrical feeling pulse through me, even though those hugs were terribly short. Maybe two or three seconds long, and I hated, HATED pulling away. I remember once I grabbed a part of your shirt and tugged on it once the hug had ended, you started walking away and I had to let go. I felt so bad because you always missed the bus to walk me to my bus and give me a hug. You coming and talking to me during your acadec breaks,sitting in the van talking or playing games, savoring even the smallest contact of our shoulders as we leaned in to watch the screen. Telling everyone you were out getting mobbed by gangsters.you bringing me a pack of oreos and hot chocolate, and we sat by where the busses would stop and you asked if you could put your arm around me and I said no. I felt bad about that. I thought you bringing the hot chocolate was so sweet, even though you hadn’t mixed it very well and it was all chunky and cold. Watching you walk back to acadec one day and you were texting me, and you fell in the ice and you asked if I saw and I said no, even though I had. It looked painful. Going to acadec practice one day with you and I had baby piper with me, and getting mad when ricky called me mrs.jeff, which is ironic, because soon enough I will be. Meeting your parents out on a super cold, windy day, and how they looked so different than they do now. How you look so different now. Going to your house for the first time. Feeling so out of place and nervous. Playing video games with you and your brother, eating mini doughnuts, pizza from the night before. You getting so mad when your mom pulled up next to me and started telling me not to be afraid of her, and how I kept laughing. You giving me the ipod cover and new headphones for Christmas. You set it up for me and jumped next to me after school walking in the foyer towards the busses. Your unique knack for presentation certainly hasn’t changed. you being afraid when your mom messed up your bangs trimming your hair, and how she told you to tell me it was her fault. Holding your hand for the first time at our first Christmas eve movie, and how amazing it felt. You don’t wear the shirt I got you that Christmas much, and im sorry. Valentines day, and how much I loved the coke bottle you got me. You trying to kiss me, bending over eye to eye, your hands around my neck over by the auditorium, me being too nervous. I remember having the same depression problems and you had planned out asking all my friends to write notes to me saying how much I meant to them. That was so sweet. You made me a yearbook my freshmen year. That was incredibly sweet too. You letting me wear your jacket, even when you got in trouble because you didn’t have it. Long hair and cargo pants. Your watch. Missing you during family vacations. It was cloudy that day too, valentines day. Our first kiss, before BIGS. Kissing in the blue cylinder with kids rushing all around, I feel like that is a perfect representation of our lives. Busy, but still being able to enjoy the feeling of love. I love you. One rainy night you and allan driving around in the rain in a truck, and I told you to be careful. Me and whitley freezing our asses off in front of the movies, and how each text I got from you warmed me up, warmth emanating from my heart throughout my veins to all my extremities. How ive only covered a small portion of our first few months together in this note alone. So many memories, and so much love and adoration… I was just getting over an eating disorder at the time, just figuring out how to eat like a normal person. I was into Interpol very much at the time. One night allan was sleeping over so we weren’t really texting and I felt so alone. I was alone at the house, and I hurt myself. Now that we’ve been together I don’t do that as much. How you had been bullied. All the ugly things that had preceded something so beautiful. You were so incredibly sweet. I felt so lucky, so surprised, so grateful to have found someone like you. How hopefully in a year from now, we’ll be married. How hopefully we will become even closer to your family. How grateful we all are that you survived your rollover. Especially a jeff all in one piece, legs and arms, mind and soul and beating heart.I wish I had been in the car when it happened. I don’t think im good enough for you, and even if I did make it through, I would’ve been able to help you. How would life be today if we never met? Do you see something positive or negative? For myself I picture a lonely life. I don’t know if id be alive, honestly. You give me the most important thing in life, love, as well as companionship and support and happiness. But what do you picture? I feel like ive constantly been missing you since graduation. You live over 200 miles away now and I am constantly missing you, I love you more and more everyday. I cant wait to be your wife, or to live with you, and spend exponentially more time with you. i love spending time with you. How far we have come in three years, how much we embrace each other. I appreciate you. I appreciate your family. Three years and I hope for many more. I hate when you ignore me. I feel like giving up on life even if you only ignore me for a little bit……I feel like giving up on life when it seems as though I wont have a future with you. I feel like giving up on life right now.
Happy 3rd Anniversary
I love you
xoxo
Ashton
I met you exactly three years ago to the day. I remember whitley telling me that allan told her his friend liked me, but not to say anything or you would kill him. I remember being frustrated because I had no idea who this “friend” was. I thought it was paul. Then I found out it wasn’t paul, but I was able to get allan to tell whit that you had blonde hair.a few days passed and I figured people were just messing with me, and I figured “you” didn’t exist. TJ, who you hate, had the same 4th hour as me all year, and we talked about it a lot. He said he knew but couldn’t tell me, but I got him to tell me your name was Jeff. I didn’t believe him and after school a couple days before I met you I got a call from him, and he three way called allan and asked allan if you liked me, and he said yes, just to prove to me that you really did. I remember sitting outside with whitley and always seeing you hackysack, you were always the best in the group and always entertaining to watch. Hacky sack boy. I remember before I met you joking with whitley about asking you to teach us your skills. Then I remember actually meeting you. The day we met you kept on looking over at me and our eyes would keep meeting and we’d pretend we didn’t notice. I remember towards the end of lunch you finally jumping over the brick wall and talking to me. Asking if I knew your name. you said you liked rock, and southern rock, and that made me so happy to know you weren’t into rap like everyone else. I told you that. I thought you looked like paul banks. I initiated trading numbers with you, our little dinky prepaid phones. Texting you after school, on a cloudy day. You telling me you lived behind the mormon church across from the Victorian. Eating cup of noodles at acadec practice. Naking dinner and you telling me your mom made frito pie. I don’t remember if you actually liked it or not. I remember you going to your acadec scrimmage and texting me on your break, telling me about the cube. How you and ricky drove some remote control car though the hallways during practice. How the Monday after scrimmage you gave me a thing of king sized reeses and how I thought that was incredibly nice. I was honestly really flattered, though it really was so simple. You texting me and asking if it was ok if you hugged me. How I thought it was strange of you to ask, but so polite. I remember hugging you and feeling the most warm and tingly, electrical feeling pulse through me, even though those hugs were terribly short. Maybe two or three seconds long, and I hated, HATED pulling away. I remember once I grabbed a part of your shirt and tugged on it once the hug had ended, you started walking away and I had to let go. I felt so bad because you always missed the bus to walk me to my bus and give me a hug. You coming and talking to me during your acadec breaks,sitting in the van talking or playing games, savoring even the smallest contact of our shoulders as we leaned in to watch the screen. Telling everyone you were out getting mobbed by gangsters.you bringing me a pack of oreos and hot chocolate, and we sat by where the busses would stop and you asked if you could put your arm around me and I said no. I felt bad about that. I thought you bringing the hot chocolate was so sweet, even though you hadn’t mixed it very well and it was all chunky and cold. Watching you walk back to acadec one day and you were texting me, and you fell in the ice and you asked if I saw and I said no, even though I had. It looked painful. Going to acadec practice one day with you and I had baby piper with me, and getting mad when ricky called me mrs.jeff, which is ironic, because soon enough I will be. Meeting your parents out on a super cold, windy day, and how they looked so different than they do now. How you look so different now. Going to your house for the first time. Feeling so out of place and nervous. Playing video games with you and your brother, eating mini doughnuts, pizza from the night before. You getting so mad when your mom pulled up next to me and started telling me not to be afraid of her, and how I kept laughing. You giving me the ipod cover and new headphones for Christmas. You set it up for me and jumped next to me after school walking in the foyer towards the busses. Your unique knack for presentation certainly hasn’t changed. you being afraid when your mom messed up your bangs trimming your hair, and how she told you to tell me it was her fault. Holding your hand for the first time at our first Christmas eve movie, and how amazing it felt. You don’t wear the shirt I got you that Christmas much, and im sorry. Valentines day, and how much I loved the coke bottle you got me. You trying to kiss me, bending over eye to eye, your hands around my neck over by the auditorium, me being too nervous. I remember having the same depression problems and you had planned out asking all my friends to write notes to me saying how much I meant to them. That was so sweet. You made me a yearbook my freshmen year. That was incredibly sweet too. You letting me wear your jacket, even when you got in trouble because you didn’t have it. Long hair and cargo pants. Your watch. Missing you during family vacations. It was cloudy that day too, valentines day. Our first kiss, before BIGS. Kissing in the blue cylinder with kids rushing all around, I feel like that is a perfect representation of our lives. Busy, but still being able to enjoy the feeling of love. I love you. One rainy night you and allan driving around in the rain in a truck, and I told you to be careful. Me and whitley freezing our asses off in front of the movies, and how each text I got from you warmed me up, warmth emanating from my heart throughout my veins to all my extremities. How ive only covered a small portion of our first few months together in this note alone. So many memories, and so much love and adoration… I was just getting over an eating disorder at the time, just figuring out how to eat like a normal person. I was into Interpol very much at the time. One night allan was sleeping over so we weren’t really texting and I felt so alone. I was alone at the house, and I hurt myself. Now that we’ve been together I don’t do that as much. How you had been bullied. All the ugly things that had preceded something so beautiful. You were so incredibly sweet. I felt so lucky, so surprised, so grateful to have found someone like you. How hopefully in a year from now, we’ll be married. How hopefully we will become even closer to your family. How grateful we all are that you survived your rollover. Especially a jeff all in one piece, legs and arms, mind and soul and beating heart.I wish I had been in the car when it happened. I don’t think im good enough for you, and even if I did make it through, I would’ve been able to help you. How would life be today if we never met? Do you see something positive or negative? For myself I picture a lonely life. I don’t know if id be alive, honestly. You give me the most important thing in life, love, as well as companionship and support and happiness. But what do you picture? I feel like ive constantly been missing you since graduation. You live over 200 miles away now and I am constantly missing you, I love you more and more everyday. I cant wait to be your wife, or to live with you, and spend exponentially more time with you. i love spending time with you. How far we have come in three years, how much we embrace each other. I appreciate you. I appreciate your family. Three years and I hope for many more. I hate when you ignore me. I feel like giving up on life even if you only ignore me for a little bit……I feel like giving up on life when it seems as though I wont have a future with you. I feel like giving up on life right now.
Happy 3rd Anniversary
I love you
xoxo
Ashton
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