this is jeff's last week until he moves to tucson.
so many emotions have been running through me it is hard to discern how i feel. i fel hurt but i also feel selfish. i feel afraid but i also feel some confidence. i feel angry, but id rather go burrow under a blanket and cry. i feel sad and weak, strong and hopeful.
there are many times where i feel very strong. where i think of 'good' jeff, and how he's a faithful guy and wouldnt hurt me. how sweet and kind he is, how thoughtful and considerate and committed. but then i remember june, and lisa, and how easy it was for him to write me off. how easy it was for him to ignore me. how he knew he was hurting me but didnt mind...was it just an honest mistake? did i deserve it? will i ever fully trust him again?
i love him to death but each second that passes he is closer to leaving the more fearful i get. i also realize each second is a second nearer to when we can finally live 'our' life. but fear is something i will live with until that day finally comes, when my birthday comes and finally 'free to be' and then much more will feel complete.
and the physical part doesnt bother me much. the not being able to kiss or hug him bothers me, but it doesnt cause me the most grief. ill miss everything. his smile, his hugs, his smell, watching him do something ordinary, feeling his breath on my neck, his words that give me goosebumps...seeing his handsome face, and of course the rest of his sexy self...his skin, his chest, god, everything. every little thing. but thats not what bothers me the most.
what if another lisa thing came up again? i dont know what id do. all i can do is try my best to trust in him. and i want to trust in him, i want to.
he's been talking to his roomy and i guess he's big on drinking. but why would i have expected that to go right, right? i was kinda hurt that i wasnt mentioned in any of the emails but i dont think stuff regarding girls ever came up, but still.
he can spend hours trying to build my confidence, then get angry and send it spiralling down. last night we had been talking on skype, then it turned into some pretty nasty arguing and he said he could say 'see ya next year' and that he didnt know if he wanted to sacrifice for me anymore. then it was like back to square 1.
there are times when i look at the world and wonder if i could ever be a happy person. if i could integrate myself as seamlessly as it all looks, even though i know things are never as they seem. i really think i could be happy with jeff. even through these next months, i know i could be. i know i want to be a bigger part of his life. i know i want to marry him, and live and grow with him, and go through the motions of life with him. it is something i KNOW, that is as factual to me as the sky being blue and the earth being round. but i know he gets confused, and i guess that hurts me. but thats not his fault..
i want to be with him and know that my relationship with him is never in jeopardy. i want to know that he can be around beautiful girls and not feel like im inferior...
...ive done things wrong and i feel horrible about them... i never meant to hurt him...he doesnt believe me about the matt stuff, and i would be hurt too if i were him, but it was something that i felt was out of my control...i never wanted matt over jeff, and i never considered matt in jeff's place. in my mind it has always been me and jeff. for the past nearly 3 years this boy has been the subject of 90% of my thought processes. i love him more and more everyday. he is my best friend. i cant imagine life without him, and when i try, it scares me. i fear losing him more than anything in the world, more than anything someone could ever do or say. fear is a natural part of life i suppose.
jeff's mama went through a blog or something about narcissistic moms and things they do and i saw an astonishing amount of similarities between the facts and my own mom. jeff's mom is saying im abused and its hard to swallow. could it be true? it certainly looks true. how could i have not seen all these things? is it really her and not me? ive always felt like im always in the wrong, but is it really her? shes called me crazy a few times and the past few months i have felt that way. is something wrong with me, or is it just her? how am i supposed to handle the next few months? why do my emotions not ring important to people? does jeffs mom really want to help, or is she only being nice because she thinks i will disappear in a few days? i admit, what my mom did has brought up my skepticism in other people, especially jeff. will i ever trust again? can i? should i? is it a problem with me, or what my mom has instilled in me? does my family make me unattractive to jeff and his family? will people judge me based upon her behavior? i feel guilty, she is my mom...but i shouldnt feel guilty. how can i not feel this way? so conflicted? i have never felt natural confiding in others. is that something my mom has done to me? has she messed me up for life? why? i appreciate everything his mom has done for me, her talking and her advice and her sympathy. i just hope the sincerity is real.
i want to become a part of jeffs family; it seems like i have been torn from my own.
today i got sick in the middle of body conditioning and i dont know why. i ate the same things as jeff today and he seemed alright. i feel a bit better now but i hope its done for now. ive really been enjoying the class. im glad i have it. we do alot of the same stretches and workout routines each day but i feel it every time. it seems to help with some of the stress. we did step aerobics today to a cheesy 90's video and i liked it. the videos reminded me of ones i used to do with my mom years ago when we lived in chandler on crestview. i miss not being manipulated, and i miss my home.
i miss my baby already and i need to savor the time i have with him. im sad. im disappointed he really is leaving me behind. i dont really know where i rank on his priorities anymore. i guess im lucky for whatever i have.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
senior year
everyone seems to look forward to senior year, and in a way i have, but ive also been dreading it...alot of my friends, and my best friend, were seniors and it is strange walking the halls without them. it feels lonely, not like how being a senior should be i suppose. i dont feel the power, i feel the maturity though. i guess i feel like the year will go fast, but i havent started seeing the weeks fly by just yet.
the year started out pretty shitty. things at home havent been well since i returned from tucson, and the first day high school started back up i got the shit embarrassed out of me by someone discussing the kmart incident with all my religious navit classmates. i guess i should have known the race for valedictorian would turn ugly at some point, but being malicious is something i thought was unnecessary. i guess it is to some people. so far i have it in the bag, which is nice, and i will probably tie with somebody, hopefully jason, cuz he seems like a nice guy. having a good shot at ranking first was something that was supposed to be a plus to being here instead of home. but there is only 200 something odd days til it doesnt matter and i can go home again. i want to see my house again. i want to see my cousins, the familiar streets and unfamiliar people. the life i used to know that i took for granted. i will never forget moving day, waking up on a mattress in the upstairs living room with the most horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. knowing that my family was making a huge mistake. picking and choosing what to leave because they didnt want to take a second trip. but it rings true that you can take the girl out of the city, but you can never take the city out of the girl. i miss it so badly, even now...
jeff leaves in only a handful of days now. when i think about him leaving i dont feel love. i know its wrong, but i feel angry and ashamed...i feel abandoned, i feel alone and unworthy. i go between feeling that everything will be fine, and thinking he will pull a lisa thing again. i feel faithful but also afraid. i guess i just pray that ill learn to cope, and the feelings of bitterness will slowly dissipate. i think about dianna and joselo and even how after 2 years of him being away and he still loves her. but then i think about jeff and lisa and i dont know whether to cry or be angry, or to let it go. i want to let it go and forget about it. i dont know if i ever could forget.
when i found out about her i felt a feeling unlike anything ive ever experienced. it was the first time in my life i have ever been truly and utterly speechless. my breath came in huge gasps and i struggled to keep breathing. how i wanted to scream so badly but it was impossible, no sound would come out. how after manically pacing back and forth across the dorm room i shoved random things into a bag and walked out the door, feeling like i had a fever of a thousand degrees. walking outside and feeling like nothing in the world was right anymore, not even the palm trees or the sky or the turtle pond...nothing was true and no one could be trusted. i called my mom and cried about it, how i didnt care about the people who passed the crazy girl crying on the phone next to the turtle pond. how my mom didnt even believe it. i still dont believe im getting the full story but i dont want to know anymore. i hope i never feel that way, not for the rest of my life.
my mom stole 8 thousand dollars from me. i have 12 dollars to show for 2 years of working. my own mother betrayed me. my own mother didnt care for my feelings. does anybody anymore?
im embarrassed of her. people will look at her and think i am like that too. im not like that, and never could be.
jeff's parents, especially his mom, have been very helpful about this, and if it wasnt for their help i dont know what i would do. id really like to become closer to them but i have a feeling they think once jeff leaves im gone as well, so theyre only being nice because they think they wont have to anymore. i hope its not like that, but my faith in humanity is at an all time low right now. i just hope the impression of caring im getting is true. id really like to become close to them someday. his mom's experiences are eerily similar to mine, so i feel like shes the only one who understands what this means to me. she seems to be very much a realist like myself and would say it how it is. there are things she's done concerning jeff that i dont like, but i see what shes doing to help him get to college and to get off to a good start and she really loves him and wants him to be successful and happy. clearly, i couldnt say the same about my own mom....unfortunately...
the money is gone, forever, but thats not what upsets me most. no more nice clothes, no nice purse i wanted, no vacation after graduation and no new car or laptop. but thats all material and never matters in the end anyways. does she realize she is taking my ability to pay the bills? to care for myself? does she know and just not care? its clear my fake dad takes precedence over her children, as i know my money paid for his truck and stupid ass guns and my sisters gay ass cheerleading (which doesnt upset me as much as buying someone a whole fuckign nice ass truck) what has she done to where she needs my money? does she even 'need' it? what do i do? how do i get through the next 200 something days acting as though i dont know what shes done? why do people think they can burn me, and still be my friend? why dont i mean much to people?
i thought jeff and i might get engaged but its looking like were not going to. maybe someday, hopefully.
i dont know where to go to college. everyone is telling me i can do better than in state but id prefer to stay in state, especially since you cant pay the rent with 12 dollars. im applying to asu, ua, stanford, ucla, columbia, nyu, and just for shits harvard, to see if i could get in. i want to go back to phoenix.
im feeling like the shell of a person right now. i feel like im a numb, sad version of myself.
jeff let me use his ipod (the one he had offered me) and it makes me cringe a little. i feel like he changed and not for the better. i feel like he changed into someone i wouldnt have wanted to be with when i first met him. but maybe im being overly sensitive.
i guess my feelings for him have changed. i still love him. but its more bittersweet now.
i really miss my simi friends. i really miss dianna, and i miss bubba making me laugh all the time. i really really miss d though. she was an amazing friend, not just to me but to everyone.
i guess if this year had to be ideal id want:
jeff doesnt leave me, maybe get engaged. move in together in may
get valedictorian
get paid back by my mom
stay productive enough to where the pain isnt as bad
make myself happier
do work thats something to be proud of
heres to hoping senior year gets a little better.
the year started out pretty shitty. things at home havent been well since i returned from tucson, and the first day high school started back up i got the shit embarrassed out of me by someone discussing the kmart incident with all my religious navit classmates. i guess i should have known the race for valedictorian would turn ugly at some point, but being malicious is something i thought was unnecessary. i guess it is to some people. so far i have it in the bag, which is nice, and i will probably tie with somebody, hopefully jason, cuz he seems like a nice guy. having a good shot at ranking first was something that was supposed to be a plus to being here instead of home. but there is only 200 something odd days til it doesnt matter and i can go home again. i want to see my house again. i want to see my cousins, the familiar streets and unfamiliar people. the life i used to know that i took for granted. i will never forget moving day, waking up on a mattress in the upstairs living room with the most horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. knowing that my family was making a huge mistake. picking and choosing what to leave because they didnt want to take a second trip. but it rings true that you can take the girl out of the city, but you can never take the city out of the girl. i miss it so badly, even now...
jeff leaves in only a handful of days now. when i think about him leaving i dont feel love. i know its wrong, but i feel angry and ashamed...i feel abandoned, i feel alone and unworthy. i go between feeling that everything will be fine, and thinking he will pull a lisa thing again. i feel faithful but also afraid. i guess i just pray that ill learn to cope, and the feelings of bitterness will slowly dissipate. i think about dianna and joselo and even how after 2 years of him being away and he still loves her. but then i think about jeff and lisa and i dont know whether to cry or be angry, or to let it go. i want to let it go and forget about it. i dont know if i ever could forget.
when i found out about her i felt a feeling unlike anything ive ever experienced. it was the first time in my life i have ever been truly and utterly speechless. my breath came in huge gasps and i struggled to keep breathing. how i wanted to scream so badly but it was impossible, no sound would come out. how after manically pacing back and forth across the dorm room i shoved random things into a bag and walked out the door, feeling like i had a fever of a thousand degrees. walking outside and feeling like nothing in the world was right anymore, not even the palm trees or the sky or the turtle pond...nothing was true and no one could be trusted. i called my mom and cried about it, how i didnt care about the people who passed the crazy girl crying on the phone next to the turtle pond. how my mom didnt even believe it. i still dont believe im getting the full story but i dont want to know anymore. i hope i never feel that way, not for the rest of my life.
my mom stole 8 thousand dollars from me. i have 12 dollars to show for 2 years of working. my own mother betrayed me. my own mother didnt care for my feelings. does anybody anymore?
im embarrassed of her. people will look at her and think i am like that too. im not like that, and never could be.
jeff's parents, especially his mom, have been very helpful about this, and if it wasnt for their help i dont know what i would do. id really like to become closer to them but i have a feeling they think once jeff leaves im gone as well, so theyre only being nice because they think they wont have to anymore. i hope its not like that, but my faith in humanity is at an all time low right now. i just hope the impression of caring im getting is true. id really like to become close to them someday. his mom's experiences are eerily similar to mine, so i feel like shes the only one who understands what this means to me. she seems to be very much a realist like myself and would say it how it is. there are things she's done concerning jeff that i dont like, but i see what shes doing to help him get to college and to get off to a good start and she really loves him and wants him to be successful and happy. clearly, i couldnt say the same about my own mom....unfortunately...
the money is gone, forever, but thats not what upsets me most. no more nice clothes, no nice purse i wanted, no vacation after graduation and no new car or laptop. but thats all material and never matters in the end anyways. does she realize she is taking my ability to pay the bills? to care for myself? does she know and just not care? its clear my fake dad takes precedence over her children, as i know my money paid for his truck and stupid ass guns and my sisters gay ass cheerleading (which doesnt upset me as much as buying someone a whole fuckign nice ass truck) what has she done to where she needs my money? does she even 'need' it? what do i do? how do i get through the next 200 something days acting as though i dont know what shes done? why do people think they can burn me, and still be my friend? why dont i mean much to people?
i thought jeff and i might get engaged but its looking like were not going to. maybe someday, hopefully.
i dont know where to go to college. everyone is telling me i can do better than in state but id prefer to stay in state, especially since you cant pay the rent with 12 dollars. im applying to asu, ua, stanford, ucla, columbia, nyu, and just for shits harvard, to see if i could get in. i want to go back to phoenix.
im feeling like the shell of a person right now. i feel like im a numb, sad version of myself.
jeff let me use his ipod (the one he had offered me) and it makes me cringe a little. i feel like he changed and not for the better. i feel like he changed into someone i wouldnt have wanted to be with when i first met him. but maybe im being overly sensitive.
i guess my feelings for him have changed. i still love him. but its more bittersweet now.
i really miss my simi friends. i really miss dianna, and i miss bubba making me laugh all the time. i really really miss d though. she was an amazing friend, not just to me but to everyone.
i guess if this year had to be ideal id want:
jeff doesnt leave me, maybe get engaged. move in together in may
get valedictorian
get paid back by my mom
stay productive enough to where the pain isnt as bad
make myself happier
do work thats something to be proud of
heres to hoping senior year gets a little better.
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