senior year

everyone seems to look forward to senior year, and in a way i have, but ive also been dreading it...alot of my friends, and my best friend, were seniors and it is strange walking the halls without them. it feels lonely, not like how being a senior should be i suppose. i dont feel the power, i feel the maturity though. i guess i feel like the year will go fast, but i havent started seeing the weeks fly by just yet.
the year started out pretty shitty. things at home havent been well since i returned from tucson, and the first day high school started back up i got the shit embarrassed out of me by someone discussing the kmart incident with all my religious navit classmates. i guess i should have known the race for valedictorian would turn ugly at some point, but being malicious is something i thought was unnecessary. i guess it is to some people. so far i have it in the bag, which is nice, and i will probably tie with somebody, hopefully jason, cuz he seems like a nice guy. having a good shot at ranking first was something that was supposed to be a plus to being here instead of home. but there is only 200 something odd days til it doesnt matter and i can go home again. i want to see my house again. i want to see my cousins, the familiar streets and unfamiliar people. the life i used to know that i took for granted. i will never forget moving day, waking up on a mattress in the upstairs living room with the most horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. knowing that my family was making a huge mistake. picking and choosing what to leave because they didnt want to take a second trip. but it rings true that you can take the girl out of the city, but you can never take the city out of the girl. i miss it so badly, even now...
jeff leaves in only a handful of days now. when i think about him leaving i dont feel love. i know its wrong, but i feel angry and ashamed...i feel abandoned, i feel alone and unworthy. i go between feeling that everything will be fine, and thinking he will pull a lisa thing again. i feel faithful but also afraid. i guess i just pray that ill learn to cope, and the feelings of bitterness will slowly dissipate. i think about dianna and joselo and even how after 2 years of him being away and he still loves her. but then i think about jeff and lisa and i dont know whether to cry or be angry, or to let it go. i want to let it go and forget about it. i dont know if i ever could forget.
when i found out about her i felt a feeling unlike anything ive ever experienced. it was the first time in my life i have ever been truly and utterly speechless. my breath came in huge gasps and i struggled to keep breathing. how i wanted to scream so badly but it was impossible, no sound would come out. how after manically pacing back and forth across the dorm room i shoved random things into a bag and walked out the door, feeling like i had a fever of a thousand degrees. walking outside and feeling like nothing in the world was right anymore, not even the palm trees or the sky or the turtle pond...nothing was true and no one could be trusted. i called my mom and cried about it, how i didnt care about the people who passed the crazy girl crying on the phone next to the turtle pond. how my mom didnt even believe it. i still dont believe im getting the full story but i dont want to know anymore. i hope i never feel that way, not for the rest of my life.
my mom stole 8 thousand dollars from me. i have 12 dollars to show for 2 years of working. my own mother betrayed me. my own mother didnt care for my feelings. does anybody anymore?
im embarrassed of her. people will look at her and think i am like that too. im not like that, and never could be.
jeff's parents, especially his mom, have been very helpful about this, and if it wasnt for their help i dont know what i would do. id really like to become closer to them but i have a feeling they think once jeff leaves im gone as well, so theyre only being nice because they think they wont have to anymore. i hope its not like that, but my faith in humanity is at an all time low right now. i just hope the impression of caring im getting is true. id really like to become close to them someday. his mom's experiences are eerily similar to mine, so i feel like shes the only one who understands what this means to me. she seems to be very much a realist like myself and would say it how it is. there are things she's done concerning jeff that i dont like, but i see what shes doing to help him get to college and to get off to a good start and she really loves him and wants him to be successful and happy. clearly, i couldnt say the same about my own mom....unfortunately...
the money is gone, forever, but thats not what upsets me most. no more nice clothes, no nice purse i wanted, no vacation after graduation and no new car or laptop. but thats all material and never matters in the end anyways. does she realize she is taking my ability to pay the bills? to care for myself? does she know and just not care? its clear my fake dad takes precedence over her children, as i know my money paid for his truck and stupid ass guns and my sisters gay ass cheerleading (which doesnt upset me as much as buying someone a whole fuckign nice ass truck) what has she done to where she needs my money? does she even 'need' it? what do i do? how do i get through the next 200 something days acting as though i dont know what shes done? why do people think they can burn me, and still be my friend? why dont i mean much to people?
i thought jeff and i might get engaged but its looking like were not going to. maybe someday, hopefully.
i dont know where to go to college. everyone is telling me i can do better than in state but id prefer to stay in state, especially since you cant pay the rent with 12 dollars. im applying to asu, ua, stanford, ucla, columbia, nyu, and just for shits harvard, to see if i could get in. i want to go back to phoenix.
im feeling like the shell of a person right now. i feel like im a numb, sad version of myself.
jeff let me use his ipod (the one he had offered me) and it makes me cringe a little. i feel like he changed and not for the better. i feel like he changed into someone i wouldnt have wanted to be with when i first met him. but maybe im being overly sensitive.
i guess my feelings for him have changed. i still love him. but its more bittersweet now.
i really miss my simi friends. i really miss dianna, and i miss bubba making me laugh all the time. i really really miss d though. she was an amazing friend, not just to me but to everyone.
i guess if this year had to be ideal id want:
jeff doesnt leave me, maybe get engaged. move in together in may
get valedictorian
get paid back by my mom
stay productive enough to where the pain isnt as bad
make myself happier
do work thats something to be proud of

heres to hoping senior year gets a little better.