jeff has gone to great lengths to ignore me...last night and yesterday was horrible. my sister spent all day in the er because she was screaming in pain here, got told at the er that she was passing too many kidney stones to even count, she apparently has gallstones, an infection, and somethng is wrong with her ribs, and is at severe risk (or already has) kidney disease and her piss looks like iced tea. of course they are thinking that because of genetics, i could have any variety of those complications as well. so my mom, blah blah blah about genetics and i am so tempted to say, really? WE HAVE DIFFERENT DADS. UNLESS IT IS FROM YOUR SIDE, NO, I PROBABLY DONT. it was because i was eating like a fucktard and i had a fuckin double cheeser for lunch, for someone who cant handle dairy well. on top of that, work was bad. then i missed him, really bad last night...prom night...missed my love, even though he's been raging angry lately (he said it wasnt all me, but if it wasnt....why would he go to such great lengths to ignore me?) so i wait a few hours for him to get online (i didnt know his work schedule) and then all of a sudden he pops online, goes invisible, posts angry stuff on facebook, then idk what. his phone has been off. i was feeling horrible last night, in major mode caused by a mixture of guilt and sadness. i was feeling guilty for putting him in the position he was in (i really am sorry for it, he doesnt believe it) and i was sad that he had made light of my mood like that... i imagined all the things i had wanted with jeff, it made me want to stop. i imagined the things he said the other night i had tried to end life, how i was taking away everything that mattered to him....and that really, really made me want to stop.but then i remembered the past few hours, how i had told him multiple times that i couldnt make it through the night and we needed to talk...and how we ignored it all....if i mattered that much, why would he ignore it? and i kept going. i remembered letting him down and i hated myself for it, so i kept going. i remembered the next year, the impending pain and jealousy, and i kept going...but in the end, obviously, it didnt work....it was able to slice, but not dice...it also would have been impossible to sharpen the razor without waking anyone up, and i already knew from experience that the knives were just as dull. i feel ashamed and crazy just knowing i would try something like this, again...but i also still wonder if it was good luck or bad luck that it didnt work.....
jeff either hasnt been online all day, or the suicidal mood he had took him out....im incredibly worried. ...im sorry, im scared, im guilty, im worried....i figure ill wait til 9 tonight and if i havent heard from him....then i have to call his house, as scary as it seems. jeff, if youre reading this somewhere, please let me know whats going on.....im sorry about the book.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Saturday, May 1, 2010
no prom for me....
so...last december i took someone to winter formal just so i would be guaranteed to be able to go to prom with jeff. i went through the guilt, he went through the jealousy and pain so we could go to prom together.
well, i was voted top ten for royalty this year....but jeff didnt want to take me.
so not only was the whole fiasco (and the root of the beginnings of what caused jeff to leave the first time) a complete and total waste, but i lost out on both an experience and a chance to win a title many girls dream of.
im disappointed....and im really feeling it tonight...i really wanted to go with him....i truly did. im truly sad he really and truly didnt take me. im really sad about this...
on top of that, he downloaded some game stuff on his laptop for me and wont let me use it....he doesnt even give me a chance to show him im not a total fuck....does he honestly think i would break it? that i would destroy the only line of communication we currently have?
the, as i was sitting in a room surrounded by teachers and my mother, he called and started screaming at me because I DIDNT TURN IN A LIBRARY BOOK. yes, i was wrong, i should have turned it in by now. yes, it is all my fault. yes, im going to pay the fine. i realize his parents overreact about everything and thats what most probably causes him to overreact, and i do deserve him to be mad at me. but he said some fairly unnecessary and rude things to me, then justified it by saying "what else am i supposed to say?" if i said things like that to him....he would leave me in a second. go ahead, be mad at me, i deserve it. but treating me like your mother treats you? is that really necessary?
it really did hurt my feelings. i felt numb the rest of the day, and i honestly felt abused. yeah, i fucked up. yeah, be mad at me. but no, verbally abusing me and treating me like a child.....you dont treat a partner like that. i learned that. and i really am sorry, because i know he's got to deal with his mom freaking out and i have no doubt that that's unpleasant. i do feel bad and i am sorry for breaching some trust. but it was an honest mistake. i am sorry, and i do deserve to be on the receiving end of some anger, but there is a point where you cease with the harsh words and realize what exactly it was i did wrong: i didnt turn in a library book on time...
i love jeff to death, but with things like that i start to wonder if he is turning into exactly what he is trying to avoid. his parents are the cause of some of it im sure....he has every password to everything i have. every email, every facebook/myspace account, etc. he refuses to even let me use his computer. i honestly think he is hiding something from me. cheating on me? maybe. planning things? possibly. whatever it is, it makes me uncomfortable and worried and scared. i honestly would not do a single thing i know he wouldnt want me to do. but he doesnt even give me a chance to prove that to him...meaning he's gotta be hiding something. hopefully not a bad thing....but most probably a bad thing...it makes me feel horrible. like i have no power, no say, no control. that im the underdog in this relationship and its something i have to accept...is it because im the girl? that naturally, im powerless? is it because im still working my way up from our breakup, to become a better person? is it because his parents tell him not to trust me? i am a different person than i was last december. there are many things i know not to do now.
well, i was voted top ten for royalty this year....but jeff didnt want to take me.
so not only was the whole fiasco (and the root of the beginnings of what caused jeff to leave the first time) a complete and total waste, but i lost out on both an experience and a chance to win a title many girls dream of.
im disappointed....and im really feeling it tonight...i really wanted to go with him....i truly did. im truly sad he really and truly didnt take me. im really sad about this...
on top of that, he downloaded some game stuff on his laptop for me and wont let me use it....he doesnt even give me a chance to show him im not a total fuck....does he honestly think i would break it? that i would destroy the only line of communication we currently have?
the, as i was sitting in a room surrounded by teachers and my mother, he called and started screaming at me because I DIDNT TURN IN A LIBRARY BOOK. yes, i was wrong, i should have turned it in by now. yes, it is all my fault. yes, im going to pay the fine. i realize his parents overreact about everything and thats what most probably causes him to overreact, and i do deserve him to be mad at me. but he said some fairly unnecessary and rude things to me, then justified it by saying "what else am i supposed to say?" if i said things like that to him....he would leave me in a second. go ahead, be mad at me, i deserve it. but treating me like your mother treats you? is that really necessary?
it really did hurt my feelings. i felt numb the rest of the day, and i honestly felt abused. yeah, i fucked up. yeah, be mad at me. but no, verbally abusing me and treating me like a child.....you dont treat a partner like that. i learned that. and i really am sorry, because i know he's got to deal with his mom freaking out and i have no doubt that that's unpleasant. i do feel bad and i am sorry for breaching some trust. but it was an honest mistake. i am sorry, and i do deserve to be on the receiving end of some anger, but there is a point where you cease with the harsh words and realize what exactly it was i did wrong: i didnt turn in a library book on time...
i love jeff to death, but with things like that i start to wonder if he is turning into exactly what he is trying to avoid. his parents are the cause of some of it im sure....he has every password to everything i have. every email, every facebook/myspace account, etc. he refuses to even let me use his computer. i honestly think he is hiding something from me. cheating on me? maybe. planning things? possibly. whatever it is, it makes me uncomfortable and worried and scared. i honestly would not do a single thing i know he wouldnt want me to do. but he doesnt even give me a chance to prove that to him...meaning he's gotta be hiding something. hopefully not a bad thing....but most probably a bad thing...it makes me feel horrible. like i have no power, no say, no control. that im the underdog in this relationship and its something i have to accept...is it because im the girl? that naturally, im powerless? is it because im still working my way up from our breakup, to become a better person? is it because his parents tell him not to trust me? i am a different person than i was last december. there are many things i know not to do now.
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