jeff has gone to great lengths to ignore me...last night and yesterday was horrible. my sister spent all day in the er because she was screaming in pain here, got told at the er that she was passing too many kidney stones to even count, she apparently has gallstones, an infection, and somethng is wrong with her ribs, and is at severe risk (or already has) kidney disease and her piss looks like iced tea. of course they are thinking that because of genetics, i could have any variety of those complications as well. so my mom, blah blah blah about genetics and i am so tempted to say, really? WE HAVE DIFFERENT DADS. UNLESS IT IS FROM YOUR SIDE, NO, I PROBABLY DONT. it was because i was eating like a fucktard and i had a fuckin double cheeser for lunch, for someone who cant handle dairy well. on top of that, work was bad. then i missed him, really bad last night...prom night...missed my love, even though he's been raging angry lately (he said it wasnt all me, but if it wasnt....why would he go to such great lengths to ignore me?) so i wait a few hours for him to get online (i didnt know his work schedule) and then all of a sudden he pops online, goes invisible, posts angry stuff on facebook, then idk what. his phone has been off. i was feeling horrible last night, in major mode caused by a mixture of guilt and sadness. i was feeling guilty for putting him in the position he was in (i really am sorry for it, he doesnt believe it) and i was sad that he had made light of my mood like that... i imagined all the things i had wanted with jeff, it made me want to stop. i imagined the things he said the other night i had tried to end life, how i was taking away everything that mattered to him....and that really, really made me want to stop.but then i remembered the past few hours, how i had told him multiple times that i couldnt make it through the night and we needed to talk...and how we ignored it all....if i mattered that much, why would he ignore it? and i kept going. i remembered letting him down and i hated myself for it, so i kept going. i remembered the next year, the impending pain and jealousy, and i kept going...but in the end, obviously, it didnt work....it was able to slice, but not dice...it also would have been impossible to sharpen the razor without waking anyone up, and i already knew from experience that the knives were just as dull. i feel ashamed and crazy just knowing i would try something like this, again...but i also still wonder if it was good luck or bad luck that it didnt work.....
jeff either hasnt been online all day, or the suicidal mood he had took him out....im incredibly worried. ...im sorry, im scared, im guilty, im worried....i figure ill wait til 9 tonight and if i havent heard from him....then i have to call his house, as scary as it seems. jeff, if youre reading this somewhere, please let me know whats going on.....im sorry about the book.
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