past few days

so its been a few days. its been really busy.
i love working with erik. i figured out the closest thing i compare him to is working with seth rogen. their voices are the same, and they both have potty mouths, lol. erik showed me the blatant pornart in the basement of the cancer center, and he dropped a cap and said "that goes on the bottle, dumbass." he also messed up a western blot we were doing and when someone asked me "how are you," he replied and said "oh shes doing great, just watching a dumbass fuck up his experiments." he really is fun to work with and im learning alot.
jeff and i have become friendly which is really good. were talking through some things and im trying to trust him but i dont know if i should or not. i love him to death though, even still so im sure i will in time. i guess all i can do is be the girl he fell in love with. i have some big decisions to make. theyre all stressing me out pretty badly.
thursday night me, dianna,dionne, bubba, noah and alvin all rode the sun tran to the movies at el con. half of us ate at in and out (such as myself, and yes, it was fucking good) then the other half ate at chik fil a. then we all split again at the movies, i watched get him to the greek with bubba and dionne. i really like bubba. his laugh is terribly contagious and hes funny. me, bubba and dianna are together alot and i have fun with them. anyways, the movie was ok, not as funny as advertised but it was entertaining.
we got back about an hour late but robby (who as far as ra's go, is a joke) was fine with it, we were surprised he was even still there. dianna and i stay up really late and its been killing us at work. were up to 1 or 2 usually.
yesterday was fairly eventless. i was barely at work cuz erik wasnt there in the morning and i only worked about a 1/2 hr in the afternoon splitting cells. then after work dianna and i took a nap and she left on a date. i stayed and got some business hw done, which im falling a bit behind on. that night i went shopping on university blvd and fell in like with alot of the stuff at urban outfitters. there was a gorgeous dress but i couldnt allow myself to buy it...on sale for 30...i got a cute black lace tube top tho, and only 10$$!!
i slept wonderfully, from 1 to 1030....i needed the sleep. i got to wake up and talk to jeff, which is always a nice start to my day. i really miss being "official" with him.
then i walked 6 miles to the tucson mall, which was a mistake. i dont think i need to go in depth with that one.
not to blab about jeff, but being there really made me miss how things used to be between us. i really miss the plans and i really miss having someone to lean on. i see all these couples together and it hurts, i see the stupid engagement ring ads and it makes me cringe with both jealousy and pain. i wanted it even more than i thought i did. but they say the things you work the hardest for are the most worth it, so maybe this will just improve things, like it did last time.
i spent alot more money than i would have liked. but i loved having "me" time and i loved feeling so girly. i bought some cute clothes too, but im gonna try and limit that to what i buy for the majority of the summer.
getting the sun tran home was complicated as hell but it worked out alright. public transit though, is dirty. lets be real.
now im just sitting in my dorm, tired and sunburnt and waiting for b to get off work. i have to do laundry tomorrow.

today...was a good day.

jeff and i have been talking and we're working on our relationship as friends. having him in my life, even just as friends, makes my day alot brighter. i love that boy.
jeff and i were up late talking and poor dianna's alarm woke us both up, then i woke up super ass late and had to haul ass getting ready again. but i made it in time and i always beat erik anyways so it doesnt really matter.
working in the lab has been going well. ive been doing alot of experiments on my own and erik is really cool when i mess up, which i did alot today (i even broke equipment lol) i need to be getting more sleep though, ive been exhausted constantly and im afraid its starting to effect my work. which leads into my next topic...
me and dianna both got home from work and just crashed. we've never had to do that before lol. apparently alot of people did today, bubba, us, etc. but anyways we were napping all fine and then all of a sudden a super ass loud missle-warning like sound woke us up. we stared at each other in confusion for awhile then heard yelling outside. we both jumped out of bed and opened the door and people were telling us to evacuate because of a fire alarm. me and dianna raced to pick up our stuff, her phone and our room key, and we raced outside with everyone else, and turns out some asshole had started a fire making toast in a microwave. what a fucking doucher. so we went back to our room, still sleepy and panicked, and dianna ate dinner while i worked on some homework, then we all (dianna bubba noah brea and me) all walked to the rec center and worked out, then swam til closing time. it was really fun, and i love all the people im becoming friends with. i love it here, almost like home. im gonna miss it when i have to go trudge through my senior year.
jeffs on vacation here in tucson...i hope hes having fun!

bad times...

things have been getting worse.
something happened with jeffs email to where bad pictures were sent to his friend lisa? he thinks i hacked him email and sent the pictures...i could see the blame being on me but he wont let me prove it...i had left my laptop at home on accident and was meaning to go get it today, but my mom told me never to come home so here i am...still at ua....i figured out it was maddy and maddy brown using my laptop and i dont know how, i wish i did, but maddy brown had some code to disable email logins or something. im in huge trouble with my mom over the pictures and i had to beg maddy to just apologize to jeff. she says she texted him today but who knows....
something strange is going on, or so it seems....the night of orientation jeff was telling me not to worry about lisa but he left me the next day....what happened? jeff has always seemed like an incredibly faithful guy so i dont think he would have gone to orientation with the intention of leaving me....the day before he left we had dinner with his parents and it went wonderfully. he told me how his mom approved of us getting married someday....i loved it. i was scared for his orientation, and that night he comforted me and told me he planned on getting a promise ring...i honestly do love jeff. i want that future with him more than anything in the world. i try to get over him.....but if you really love someone you find you cant. i think jeff loves me, i think....maybe this girl has him in a state of lust? maybe she really is just his friend? i have no clue....he wont talk to me and i feel like i didnt just lose my love, but i also lost my best friend in the world....ive never been close to anyone like i am with jeff, and even now, without him here im still adhering to the same things as if he was....i ignore matt and tjs texts and i think about him constantly...all i can do right now is prove i didnt send the emails and prove im loyal to him. if he has to date someone else to realize he has someone that loves him rightunder his nose...well sobeit....

i wish it was night everyday

today wasnt as great emotion-wise but ive made it through just fine. i woke up this morning incredibly tired with my calves major sore and got ready and hurried on over to the cat tran stop to get to the cancer center by 830, and i barely made it on the shuttle and got over to the cancer center early, like 815. since erik wasnt gonna be there jane, a senior researcher there, was gonna take me to caf to see the animals (the mice). i was scared cuz i was basically going into the heart of the animal testing operation, but i figured it was a new experience i could benefit from. so jane got there and we baorded the cattran and headed over to caf. i had to sign in and wear a visitors pass and she told me how protestors broke in back in the 80's and stole all their shit. then we went to the animal rooms and i had to wear booties over my shoes and this yellow gown. i couldnt touch the mousies cuz i wasnt certified, but i watched jane get the mousies in the cages to breed for new strains and to keep certain strains and learned about the incredible amount of record keeping that goes into it....then we had to take the brothers and sisters of the mousies we didnt use for breeding and taking to the necropsy room, aka euthanasia. it made me sad. the techs do the euthanizing but it was real sad being in the room where its done and seeing all the equipment. then we got rid of our scientific garments and took the tran back to the cancer center, and i watched sally (another researcher like erik)'s tech named ana (a pretty islamic-ish girl who just graduated) do a pcr reaction and split some cells. it was cool and i feel like one of these days i may be able to split cells on my own. then for lunch i headed to the hospital cafeteria since it was the closest, and it was a huge mistake cuz it was crowded as crap and i barely had time to eat the food that wasnt too great (not their fault, they were busy) and then headed back to cancer center to basically sit around and observe til ana told me to leave basically. then i walked to the union just to sit in some shade (i was gonna buy a lanyard for my badge and keys at the bookstore but decided to wait til next week)and called my mom to listen to her talk to other people...then i walked to the med school library and read some stuff in a medical textbook then i walked back to the dorms, barely stayed awake, while reading a chapter in my business book. i went outside and read in manzi's little courtyard and it was nice. after my reading i was feeling tense so i packed up all my stuff to go swimming again!!! when i walk to the rec center, i like to take different routes each time cuz by the end of the 7 weeks i want to be able to get to any building at UA, i want to KNOW the campus in and out. so i enjoyed that, and i think cochise hall is gorgeous. i love the architecture on alot of the buildings, actually. and the newer dorms across from jeff's dorm look really nice as well. so i got in the rec center, changed and then hopped into another lap lane for the pool....and i swam 40 LAPS!!!! it felt really lovely, again. i hit my head on the side of the pool when i zoned out on backstrokes though, but im pretty sure i dont have daim bramage. (haha) so then i showered in the "low self esteem" locker rooms again with my bag near me and all my stuff got SOAKED. yeah...that wasnt good. but my phone wallet and clothes i wore to the rec center survived so i just wore those. i felt really good again after that and im fairly certain im still gonna go to UA for college. anyways i walked back to my dorm with my hair wet, blowdried and then at 830 left to get some food. i wanted paradise or jamba, but their summer hours close at like 3 i guess, so i just walked down university blvd to find somewhere to eat. i saw pei wei, where jeff went but it was a little too expensive for me, jeff likes exotic things i guess, which is cool. and he can actually use chopsticks. but i went to the place right next to pei wei, a place called la salsa that reminded me of baja fresh. and i love salsa. i just got two tacos and they gave me chips and i got a coke (no dp!) and ate by myself but that was ok i guess. until some college boys came in all obnoxious and started asking people to come "party" with them and i decided to leave. i hope jeff stays jeff and is never like that. walking back some dude tried to get money off me. the night air felt so wonderful, it felt absolutely fantastic and i felt so at home, like in phoenix. i felt so great i sat outside my dorm until i had a sudden urge to make poo. it was beautiful outside, like god's apology for making it so hot in the daytime. the air and the breeze and the lights felt so great and my dorm building looks beautiful and i just sat there and soaked it in for a long time. i wanted the air to be that way forever. "only the brightest stars shine in a place with so many lights" the city, you've gotta have major talent to stick out. thats a true statement when concerning astronomy as well. in show low the sky has a ton of stars. in tucson and phoenix you can only see the really bright stars. i really miss jeff.

swimming!

so i know i already wrote today, but without jeff i dont have anyone to talk to besides my mom, so anyways afteri finished up some hw i exchanged my bra for my swimtop and shoved all my shower stuff in a bag and headed over to the rec center to try out their pool. after getting about 1/4 of the way there (for a walk thats at least 20 min) i had to turn around cuz i realized i forgot swim bottoms...at least i discovered it before i went to change. then i got there and had them swipe my kickass new REC CENTER CARD through the temporary entrance, got in, very briefly checked out the upstairs, then headed down to the girls locker room to change, then headed out and had one of the most relieving times ive had all week. the pool wasnt terribly busy and it was quite large, there were alot of blue and red lanes set up and then a section without lanes for the lazy college kids to sit. so i slid into the lane and the water was a little cold at first but felt nice. then i swam and swam and it was so tiring but it felt wonderful, it left me out of breath and my abs had a wonderful little burn and every little bit i would secretly race the guy next to me. my goal was 24 laps, but in an attempt to one-up the swimmer next to me i went to 30 laps! thats over a mile! i felt really good, when i was swimming my worries seemed to actually not be in my mind for once, i was just focused on swimming and the sky and thinking of my future...how i could make something that looked so bleak something to look forward to.i figure no matter where jeff goes, ill still go UA for med school. AHSC and UMC is basically where we've been everyday and taking seminars on the same floor as the OB/GYN is kinda cool. I think id like to be an ob who specializes in infertility, so i can help people who cant have babies. that can really upset people, like the wife who had hobos hired to kill her cuz she was too depressed and it was immoral to suicide in her church. ethical debate much? but after my massive stress relief session i went back to the nice big locker room and took a shower in the "low self esteem" section with the curtains while ladies just showered all nekkid out in the open. i didnt have a comb but i did what i could with my wet hair and left to walk back to my dorm in the dark...and it was wonderful. it was so warm and lovely and i felt so at home, i felt like i used to in phx walking at night...and it felt so good and i was just so put at ease...my boy trouble nearly disappeared and it was like i was back at home....im gonna swim more often.

today

so today didnt start off terribly great. but i like it right now, im sitting in the lounge and no one is here meaning the tv is mine : ) and 16 and pregnant is on which always makes me feel a little better about boy problems, cuz at least i dont have a baby with him that i must take care of on my own. thats definately a bright side. this morning woke up way more tired than i shouldve been, and got ready and headed over near the....civil engineering? building to take the cat tran over to ahsc-arizona health sciences center, over next to umc, up to the 8th floor and in a symposium to watch a slideshow presented by a highup u of a vet on animal testing. yeah, i didnt enjoy that. then we went over to the ahsc library, which is the library for the med school, and now we have access to that ! which makes me feel kinda special and smart, like the med students. i also got my u of a badge. meaning im gonna have to invest in a lanyard, cuz now i have somthing other than my dorm key to put on there..after that and a survey i emailed my mentor (erik) and waited for him to get back to me to go to the lab and start ! i walked over to the union (yes, its hot, and yes, its easier to wait for the cat tran) and ate in the food court at their healthy food place, a place called iq something? i got a wrap with chicken in it and saved the rest for dinner cuz it was de-lishhh. then i got an email back from erik and headed to the lab, where he should me some really complicated stuff, some of it i knew from biology but i recall i didnt do so fantastic in biology, so he gave me a lab book that i took a ton of notes in. i was only there til about 3...and now here i am! after i write this i plan on continuing my hw on my business classes til about 7, then walking to the rec center to swim! and hopfully take a shower and wash my hair there, too. things in my personal life havent been good lately, but im trying to make the best of it and salvage what i can. its saddening, especially when talking to my mom about it she said i would never really get over it....but i figure if he and i were meant to be together, we'll get back together someday. for now, i just need to accept being friends (hopefully) and being a good friend. id rather have him in my life than not.

things to remember...

living the same as a college student would has already made me take note of things to remember for when i start my university experience for more reals...
1. community bathrooms >>> suites
2. invest in a bike. you may enjoy walking, but bikes provide a faster and more convenient way to get from place to place. invest in a nice lock. cheap bike, pricey lock.
3. dont forget your towel when you take a shower....
4. apply to everywhere youre interested in. your college choice was just made alot harder, lets face it, youre not gonna decide til the last minute anyways. take your time and choose wisely.
5. keep dorms in mind....but also keep apmtns in mind. you can afford either one. only some campuses have on campus apartments
6. learn to love yourself. that makes it alot easier for someone else to love you.
7. make a girlfriend. someone of the same sex who you can talk to and hang out with. youve been dealt a shitty hand with that in the past, but learn to make the best of who is there for you.
8. being small and feeling small are two separate things. i learned about them both today. dont ever let yourself feel small.
9. be proud of yourself. you competed to be in a program that can basically be your near ticket into med school and any undergrad research job. congratulate yourself, build some confidence before you move on to your next worry.
10. worry less
11. enjoy the opportunities that await you. they wont be there forever.
12. keep saving your money. your trip after you graduate may just be you now, but still save the money in case things change and you still want to go.
13. make friends with your roommate. VITAL
14. buy your own water bottle....1.25 for vending machine water??? heeellll no.
15. buy your own food. not from the campus. unless you come into some inheritance, dont depend on well-priced necessities from ANYWHERE on campus. even the knock-off bookstore you thought would be cheap.
16. find out why you cant hang hangers on the pipes on the ceiling in the dorm. that question is gonna plague you til you do.
17. even though youre sad, try your best to put on a happy face. dont draw others into your sadness. they have sadness too.
18. try and get a job as an RA
19. eat more
20. specifically take advantage of what UA has to offer now, so you can decide if you still want to go there or not.

u of a

so yesterday i got orientation-ed into the dorms here at ua....manzinata mohave....i like the dorms so far, community bathrooms and the lobby seems pretty nice too. theres alot of other big groups here and theyre kinda obnoxious but otherwise everything here is good...im really lonely though. havent made much for friends. today i got my job assignment and ill be working in the cancer center at umc in skin cancer research. my boss is some really old guy whose like the head of the cancer center i guess and the guy ill be working most closely with is a kinda youngish guy, he has kids so not hugely young i guess, named eric who seems cool. he seemed to not really be aware of me though, they had just told him about me today, so i felt bad, and kinda like an intruder. he gave me some stuff that his boss published to read, which ill prob get to here soon...jeff and i are currently separated, which not only makes life in general hard, but has made being at this campus exceedingly difficult...every step im reminded of him and when we visited here and all the plans we had for here....he's been ignorning me pretty heavily but im still gonna try my best to fix it...i really want that, and i love him and no matter how long and what it takes, im gonna try and fix the issue, which apparently is 1: my emotional issue,(losing him makes me lose my will, which upsets him) and 2. communication. with my emotional issue, im trying to fix. its something i need to fix for my own health as well as the health of our relationship. im trying to keep myself busy, productive, and build self esteem...i dont really think its fair for that to have made me lose my 'week', the time i had to fix the communication issue, because jeff has had those emotional problems as well. it was prob less than two weeks ago that he told me i was his will to live....but i still need to fix it up. i think hes afraid that if i did myself in people would blame him, but ive never thought that was true, people would just blame me being depressed about it....i think. anyways, even though im really sad and feeling really lonely, im gonna trudge on in hopes that perhaps we can be good friends, and hopefully soon re-merge into a relationship...the second issue was communication....at orientation, the first day went pretty well. he was texting me fairly often and had comforted me a great deal the night before about it....which was really appreciated....it wasnt until he said he made a friend with a girl that i freaked out....i thought he wasnt going to do that...? i think i trust him...i honestly believe he wouldnt do anything with a girl that would come close to cheating or even flirting...i guess i just worry about others i suppose. the second day though i freaked and constantly texted him and im sure i was annoying, even though it was just that everything he was doing was taking a long time, like his schedule took 3 hours, which is pretty bad...anyway....i really miss him....ive been physically sick from the stress...yesterday morning i had to kick my mom out of the bathroom to throw up, and my dad had to help her drive cuz i wasnt able to drive through the canyon....i hope beyond hope to be able to fix everything...