im not looking forward to 2010. im dreading it. im scared.
first year ive started off without my boy, since 2007?? geez
he got his job today! im happy for him. hes been looking for a job, and he needs one for college. but it also scared me a bit. it seems like there would be more of a distance between us. but he needs it. im happy for him.
i got really depressed again today at work. i didnt think about all this new years stuff, it makes me feel bad. but idk if it was just conincidence or not, but somthing happened.
i was sitting at the desk, zoned out, when this guy came up to the desk. he was an older guy. maybe in his late 20's? and he had came in before and was soft-spoken and polite. when he came up to the desk, i was considering me driving+new years drunk drivers could = me getting out of my pain. he came up to the desk, asked about the hours, as polite as he had been before. i replied.
then he said, "will you take this?"
and handed me a piece of paper with some writing on it.
i said yes enthusiastically, but my enthusiasm disappeared when i looked down and saw what it was.
just a white piece of paper, lined on one side. there were hearts drawn all over it, and then bible verses. i got really f*****g confused. i looked on the back, but there wasnt any writing. i figured it was some kind of church ad, but no church name was listed anywhere on the paper.
jeff has a modified version of religion that he believes in, and one component of that is that he believes in angels.
and he just might be right.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
plan: improve yourself to improve relationship with others
so i was looking through some documents jeff sent me within the past few months, since about august.
sweet things, but one thing i found was pretty important.
it was in a thing called a "new ideal" and it featured some intellectual stuff of jeffs, his thoughts on friendship, bias's, and critical thinking. in the last bit, he wrote a list of what ideal friends are
#3-have mutual trust
thats been a bit of a problem. we both are kinda shady with each other, that needs to stop. from now on i will wholly trust him, even if im thinking somethings strange. ill ask him, but ill believe whatever he tells me just because i trust him. im hoping he'd be able to do the same with me.
#8-understand each other in fundamental ways
this has been a problem too. we simply just dont understand each other on some levels. for example, ive never understood why saying "nevermind" makes him so angry. he says its because it seems like i dont care enough about him to spend time explaining it. i can see that, but i still dont understand it. however, i still need to respect it. i understand he doesnt like that, so what i need to do is be understanding, and take however much time necessary to explain it.
the last one, #9, got me
#9- be intimate and share confidences
thats never been a problem. but i have a feeling it will be now. he doesnt want anything 'intimate' of the sort with me. even talking, it seems, has to be purely casual almost. i definately dont want to be like that. he knows things that i wish I didnt know. i know things that hes said he's never told anyone. i just feel like hes trying to get rid of any intimacy. this is one thing im afraid of. whether a best friend or a girlfriend, our closeness has always been something that fascinates and comforts me. whether its us feeling the same about something, or us having similar wants, ive never in my life been so close to someone. i feel like a retard or a baby when i cry in front of him, but i feel like hes the only one that i can do that with.
ive noticed that with this whole improvement plan i get both motivated and discouraged easily. one little thing can depress me, and i spiral all the way down again. i want to end myself. i feel hopeless, like a fish out of water. and then the littlest thing can motivate me, like he put a happy face at the end of his email. a freakin colon with a parentheses came like a freakin beacon. and i got hope again. i was motivated to continue my little mission, i would never know if it would work unless i tried. to be clear, my goal is to improve myself. simply, to make myself a better person, therefore a better friend. hopefully out of completing that goal, ill convince him that i can be compatible with his busy, ed-heavy life. that i can be a no-drama girlfriend who can comfortably take the backseat to his education. i want him to be succesful. after all, if hes succesful, were both succesful. i dont think he realizes that i realize he does need to make his education a priority. i expected to be put on the back burner. fuck, i was ASKING to be on the backburner, i was telling him if he needed to go to tucson to learn, he needs to. we could do fine. and i still believe that. he could be here, in tucson, in the uk: we CAN do it. and im just gonna have to prove that to him.
im going to walmart with my mom, then work. after that-nothing. no new years eve plans for me.
sweet things, but one thing i found was pretty important.
it was in a thing called a "new ideal" and it featured some intellectual stuff of jeffs, his thoughts on friendship, bias's, and critical thinking. in the last bit, he wrote a list of what ideal friends are
#3-have mutual trust
thats been a bit of a problem. we both are kinda shady with each other, that needs to stop. from now on i will wholly trust him, even if im thinking somethings strange. ill ask him, but ill believe whatever he tells me just because i trust him. im hoping he'd be able to do the same with me.
#8-understand each other in fundamental ways
this has been a problem too. we simply just dont understand each other on some levels. for example, ive never understood why saying "nevermind" makes him so angry. he says its because it seems like i dont care enough about him to spend time explaining it. i can see that, but i still dont understand it. however, i still need to respect it. i understand he doesnt like that, so what i need to do is be understanding, and take however much time necessary to explain it.
the last one, #9, got me
#9- be intimate and share confidences
thats never been a problem. but i have a feeling it will be now. he doesnt want anything 'intimate' of the sort with me. even talking, it seems, has to be purely casual almost. i definately dont want to be like that. he knows things that i wish I didnt know. i know things that hes said he's never told anyone. i just feel like hes trying to get rid of any intimacy. this is one thing im afraid of. whether a best friend or a girlfriend, our closeness has always been something that fascinates and comforts me. whether its us feeling the same about something, or us having similar wants, ive never in my life been so close to someone. i feel like a retard or a baby when i cry in front of him, but i feel like hes the only one that i can do that with.
ive noticed that with this whole improvement plan i get both motivated and discouraged easily. one little thing can depress me, and i spiral all the way down again. i want to end myself. i feel hopeless, like a fish out of water. and then the littlest thing can motivate me, like he put a happy face at the end of his email. a freakin colon with a parentheses came like a freakin beacon. and i got hope again. i was motivated to continue my little mission, i would never know if it would work unless i tried. to be clear, my goal is to improve myself. simply, to make myself a better person, therefore a better friend. hopefully out of completing that goal, ill convince him that i can be compatible with his busy, ed-heavy life. that i can be a no-drama girlfriend who can comfortably take the backseat to his education. i want him to be succesful. after all, if hes succesful, were both succesful. i dont think he realizes that i realize he does need to make his education a priority. i expected to be put on the back burner. fuck, i was ASKING to be on the backburner, i was telling him if he needed to go to tucson to learn, he needs to. we could do fine. and i still believe that. he could be here, in tucson, in the uk: we CAN do it. and im just gonna have to prove that to him.
im going to walmart with my mom, then work. after that-nothing. no new years eve plans for me.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
memories and ramble
i feel better when i write, so here i go.
memories.
we first kissed in march. thats 5 months after we met :) im always proud of that. how slow we took it, how mature. god, he was sweet.
he first told me he loved me in a park. he was swinging me around, and he said "thats why i love you."
i would always get pissed that he called me sweetheart for some reason. now i would kill just to be his sweetheart.
for valentines day, he gave me one of his coke bottles, and a flower, and some of my fave candy. that coke bottle remains my favorite gift from him. he was gonna make me a pillow, but i pissed him off and never got it. i wouldve fucking loved that pillow.
ive been feeling nauseous lately...i wonder if im getting the flu.
i love him to death, and it scares me to death to think ive lost him. hes my shining star. my light in the dark. my hope. without him, i feel like i have no purpose. no hope. no joy.
hes my best friend.
i always loved when he'd kiss me on the forehead. when he would reach for my hand.
one thing i wish i could change was dates. idk why, but i always felt like with dates, money had to be involved, or it was just casual hanging out. that was stupid. i want to play tennis and racquetball with him. try new things. expand horizons. im too afraid to play soccer or bball with him, hes aggressive lol.
im gonna try my best to show him that i can be compatible with his lifestyle. i just want him back.
memories.
we first kissed in march. thats 5 months after we met :) im always proud of that. how slow we took it, how mature. god, he was sweet.
he first told me he loved me in a park. he was swinging me around, and he said "thats why i love you."
i would always get pissed that he called me sweetheart for some reason. now i would kill just to be his sweetheart.
for valentines day, he gave me one of his coke bottles, and a flower, and some of my fave candy. that coke bottle remains my favorite gift from him. he was gonna make me a pillow, but i pissed him off and never got it. i wouldve fucking loved that pillow.
ive been feeling nauseous lately...i wonder if im getting the flu.
i love him to death, and it scares me to death to think ive lost him. hes my shining star. my light in the dark. my hope. without him, i feel like i have no purpose. no hope. no joy.
hes my best friend.
i always loved when he'd kiss me on the forehead. when he would reach for my hand.
one thing i wish i could change was dates. idk why, but i always felt like with dates, money had to be involved, or it was just casual hanging out. that was stupid. i want to play tennis and racquetball with him. try new things. expand horizons. im too afraid to play soccer or bball with him, hes aggressive lol.
im gonna try my best to show him that i can be compatible with his lifestyle. i just want him back.
aww fuck
so life is pretty terrible right now...
ive had this best friend for over 2 years. ive never felt for someone like ive felt for him. he made me believe in things i never believed in. i never wanted to get married. i met him, and then i did. joined at the hip basically for 2 years. even through all the problems, i knew in my heart we'd be together when life was better to us. when we graduated, when we outgrew the tight grasp of minor-hood. when we went to college, went to gain the education no one in our family had. honeymoon in norway. travelling. i knew my junior and senior year would be the worst, then the moment i graduated we would be free. we just had to hold on, hold on, even if it was just our fingertips barely brushing each others, all we had to do was hold on to each other for the two years. whether he was in tucson or not, we could make it through. i was totally and utterly confident that as long as we each had a good attitude, we could make it through a long distance relationship easily. it would be hard, but i knew it would be easier than what we were going through now, with the petty fighting, and parents. each day was a step closer to that life. a busy, but fufilling life..
however, i made stupid decisions.
ive been a bitch. ive been selfish. ive been blind. ive been stupid. but ive been human....
then i just hit the last straw...
movies with matt xmas night.
sitting at a table with relatives that werent even mine, and who didnt care about me anyways, (im sure they know the rumors about whose jizz made me) i got a text from matt asking if he wanted to do something. a movie. i figured why not, i could get out of here after all. i asked my mom, she said yes-surprisingly. i went. the next day, i told him. my love. he didnt like it. i wouldnt have liked it either, if i was him. two grueling days, i didnt hear from him. i was worried. then i saw he had posted on fb. i got angry. he knew i didnt like to be ignored. then worried again. then desperate. he finally contacted me. i was relieved....for a moment.
then he cut me loose...
i didnt argue like i usually did.
i was devastated. i still am.
every hour, literally every hour, since then has been hard. the first night, i had to force myself to breathe. the second day, i popped 6 random ass pills, hoping to go numb. i spent the day in tears instead. i watch tv, and everyone has his name. movies weve seen together are on. i watch movies in which girls and their boyfriends, well, love each other. and it hurts. so bad.
the third day my heart just hurt. i miss him more and more every hour. i dont cry quite as much, but it just feels like theyre storing up inside me.
today, i was petting baby and zoning out when my mom asked what was wrong. i started to cry. i told her. she didnt care much. i told her her rules played a large part of this. and god, i dont blame him. im jealous, i would feel horribly jealous too if i was in his position. i just thought i was careful enough with the rules to where he wouldnt feel bad. but i made another mistake with winter formal. i didnt keep in enough contact, i shouldve at least told him i was dancing. fuck fuck fuck me. anyway, she just said if i didnt belive the rules were good, i didnt have to do it. i didnt reply. a little late for that, mom....
i miss him. so much. im making realizations that i never knew before, just being left. im realizing my mistakes. im realizing how lucky i was to have him. more than anything, i want him back. i love him.
im confused as hell as to whether or not he loves me. he said he didnt love me during his "get rid of you" phase, but then gave me an "ill always love you" letter xmas eve.
i can understand where hes coming from. his studies are important to him, very. and they need to be. i have no problem hanging out on the backburner for awhile. years even. as long as he loves me, as long as im his, im fine. we could get back together when he graduates, when his college stuff is all figured out.
i just want him.
he's selfless. hes intelligient. sweet. beautiful. hes doing his best to thrive in a poison environment. his parents are horrible. despicable people. he deserves much better. he deserves the best out there.
he has an idea for a business, a company that makes low-cost, high quality medical supplies. i think it would be non-profit. i want to be involved.
hes gonna be a trauma surgeon. honestly, so do i....ive wanted to work in er for ahwile now. but im not gonna be a copier. im thinking ob. but i dont want to play with vaginas, and thats kinda a requirement : /
i have dreams. but they all involve him. i want to be in medical, so i can help people alongside him. i dont want to be rich, i just want to be comfortable. i dont need a million dollar house, just one that will fit us both. i want to leave something of us behind, and i realized recently that didnt need to be a baby. a legacy of philanthropy, that would do :)
i love him.
so much.
i want to get him involved in ahec somehow, i know he would love it. the closest ones are in globe and flagstaff though : /
im gonna try my best to earn him back. this is different. we never broke up, like this. i realize how stupid ive been.
"if you want to be loved, be lovable"
ive got a beautiful ring from him. seriously, everytime i wear it, it gets compliments. today, from brea. it was the first thing she said to me.
the blue reminds me of his eyes.
to be a better girlfriend, i need to be a better friend.
ive got this new years resolution....theres this boy i love with all my heart, and i want him back.
ive had this best friend for over 2 years. ive never felt for someone like ive felt for him. he made me believe in things i never believed in. i never wanted to get married. i met him, and then i did. joined at the hip basically for 2 years. even through all the problems, i knew in my heart we'd be together when life was better to us. when we graduated, when we outgrew the tight grasp of minor-hood. when we went to college, went to gain the education no one in our family had. honeymoon in norway. travelling. i knew my junior and senior year would be the worst, then the moment i graduated we would be free. we just had to hold on, hold on, even if it was just our fingertips barely brushing each others, all we had to do was hold on to each other for the two years. whether he was in tucson or not, we could make it through. i was totally and utterly confident that as long as we each had a good attitude, we could make it through a long distance relationship easily. it would be hard, but i knew it would be easier than what we were going through now, with the petty fighting, and parents. each day was a step closer to that life. a busy, but fufilling life..
however, i made stupid decisions.
ive been a bitch. ive been selfish. ive been blind. ive been stupid. but ive been human....
then i just hit the last straw...
movies with matt xmas night.
sitting at a table with relatives that werent even mine, and who didnt care about me anyways, (im sure they know the rumors about whose jizz made me) i got a text from matt asking if he wanted to do something. a movie. i figured why not, i could get out of here after all. i asked my mom, she said yes-surprisingly. i went. the next day, i told him. my love. he didnt like it. i wouldnt have liked it either, if i was him. two grueling days, i didnt hear from him. i was worried. then i saw he had posted on fb. i got angry. he knew i didnt like to be ignored. then worried again. then desperate. he finally contacted me. i was relieved....for a moment.
then he cut me loose...
i didnt argue like i usually did.
i was devastated. i still am.
every hour, literally every hour, since then has been hard. the first night, i had to force myself to breathe. the second day, i popped 6 random ass pills, hoping to go numb. i spent the day in tears instead. i watch tv, and everyone has his name. movies weve seen together are on. i watch movies in which girls and their boyfriends, well, love each other. and it hurts. so bad.
the third day my heart just hurt. i miss him more and more every hour. i dont cry quite as much, but it just feels like theyre storing up inside me.
today, i was petting baby and zoning out when my mom asked what was wrong. i started to cry. i told her. she didnt care much. i told her her rules played a large part of this. and god, i dont blame him. im jealous, i would feel horribly jealous too if i was in his position. i just thought i was careful enough with the rules to where he wouldnt feel bad. but i made another mistake with winter formal. i didnt keep in enough contact, i shouldve at least told him i was dancing. fuck fuck fuck me. anyway, she just said if i didnt belive the rules were good, i didnt have to do it. i didnt reply. a little late for that, mom....
i miss him. so much. im making realizations that i never knew before, just being left. im realizing my mistakes. im realizing how lucky i was to have him. more than anything, i want him back. i love him.
im confused as hell as to whether or not he loves me. he said he didnt love me during his "get rid of you" phase, but then gave me an "ill always love you" letter xmas eve.
i can understand where hes coming from. his studies are important to him, very. and they need to be. i have no problem hanging out on the backburner for awhile. years even. as long as he loves me, as long as im his, im fine. we could get back together when he graduates, when his college stuff is all figured out.
i just want him.
he's selfless. hes intelligient. sweet. beautiful. hes doing his best to thrive in a poison environment. his parents are horrible. despicable people. he deserves much better. he deserves the best out there.
he has an idea for a business, a company that makes low-cost, high quality medical supplies. i think it would be non-profit. i want to be involved.
hes gonna be a trauma surgeon. honestly, so do i....ive wanted to work in er for ahwile now. but im not gonna be a copier. im thinking ob. but i dont want to play with vaginas, and thats kinda a requirement : /
i have dreams. but they all involve him. i want to be in medical, so i can help people alongside him. i dont want to be rich, i just want to be comfortable. i dont need a million dollar house, just one that will fit us both. i want to leave something of us behind, and i realized recently that didnt need to be a baby. a legacy of philanthropy, that would do :)
i love him.
so much.
i want to get him involved in ahec somehow, i know he would love it. the closest ones are in globe and flagstaff though : /
im gonna try my best to earn him back. this is different. we never broke up, like this. i realize how stupid ive been.
"if you want to be loved, be lovable"
ive got a beautiful ring from him. seriously, everytime i wear it, it gets compliments. today, from brea. it was the first thing she said to me.
the blue reminds me of his eyes.
to be a better girlfriend, i need to be a better friend.
ive got this new years resolution....theres this boy i love with all my heart, and i want him back.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)