aww fuck

so life is pretty terrible right now...
ive had this best friend for over 2 years. ive never felt for someone like ive felt for him. he made me believe in things i never believed in. i never wanted to get married. i met him, and then i did. joined at the hip basically for 2 years. even through all the problems, i knew in my heart we'd be together when life was better to us. when we graduated, when we outgrew the tight grasp of minor-hood. when we went to college, went to gain the education no one in our family had. honeymoon in norway. travelling. i knew my junior and senior year would be the worst, then the moment i graduated we would be free. we just had to hold on, hold on, even if it was just our fingertips barely brushing each others, all we had to do was hold on to each other for the two years. whether he was in tucson or not, we could make it through. i was totally and utterly confident that as long as we each had a good attitude, we could make it through a long distance relationship easily. it would be hard, but i knew it would be easier than what we were going through now, with the petty fighting, and parents. each day was a step closer to that life. a busy, but fufilling life..
however, i made stupid decisions.
ive been a bitch. ive been selfish. ive been blind. ive been stupid. but ive been human....
then i just hit the last straw...
movies with matt xmas night.
sitting at a table with relatives that werent even mine, and who didnt care about me anyways, (im sure they know the rumors about whose jizz made me) i got a text from matt asking if he wanted to do something. a movie. i figured why not, i could get out of here after all. i asked my mom, she said yes-surprisingly. i went. the next day, i told him. my love. he didnt like it. i wouldnt have liked it either, if i was him. two grueling days, i didnt hear from him. i was worried. then i saw he had posted on fb. i got angry. he knew i didnt like to be ignored. then worried again. then desperate. he finally contacted me. i was relieved....for a moment.
then he cut me loose...
i didnt argue like i usually did.
i was devastated. i still am.
every hour, literally every hour, since then has been hard. the first night, i had to force myself to breathe. the second day, i popped 6 random ass pills, hoping to go numb. i spent the day in tears instead. i watch tv, and everyone has his name. movies weve seen together are on. i watch movies in which girls and their boyfriends, well, love each other. and it hurts. so bad.
the third day my heart just hurt. i miss him more and more every hour. i dont cry quite as much, but it just feels like theyre storing up inside me.
today, i was petting baby and zoning out when my mom asked what was wrong. i started to cry. i told her. she didnt care much. i told her her rules played a large part of this. and god, i dont blame him. im jealous, i would feel horribly jealous too if i was in his position. i just thought i was careful enough with the rules to where he wouldnt feel bad. but i made another mistake with winter formal. i didnt keep in enough contact, i shouldve at least told him i was dancing. fuck fuck fuck me. anyway, she just said if i didnt belive the rules were good, i didnt have to do it. i didnt reply. a little late for that, mom....
i miss him. so much. im making realizations that i never knew before, just being left. im realizing my mistakes. im realizing how lucky i was to have him. more than anything, i want him back. i love him.
im confused as hell as to whether or not he loves me. he said he didnt love me during his "get rid of you" phase, but then gave me an "ill always love you" letter xmas eve.
i can understand where hes coming from. his studies are important to him, very. and they need to be. i have no problem hanging out on the backburner for awhile. years even. as long as he loves me, as long as im his, im fine. we could get back together when he graduates, when his college stuff is all figured out.
i just want him.
he's selfless. hes intelligient. sweet. beautiful. hes doing his best to thrive in a poison environment. his parents are horrible. despicable people. he deserves much better. he deserves the best out there.
he has an idea for a business, a company that makes low-cost, high quality medical supplies. i think it would be non-profit. i want to be involved.
hes gonna be a trauma surgeon. honestly, so do i....ive wanted to work in er for ahwile now. but im not gonna be a copier. im thinking ob. but i dont want to play with vaginas, and thats kinda a requirement : /
i have dreams. but they all involve him. i want to be in medical, so i can help people alongside him. i dont want to be rich, i just want to be comfortable. i dont need a million dollar house, just one that will fit us both. i want to leave something of us behind, and i realized recently that didnt need to be a baby. a legacy of philanthropy, that would do :)
i love him.
so much.
i want to get him involved in ahec somehow, i know he would love it. the closest ones are in globe and flagstaff though : /
im gonna try my best to earn him back. this is different. we never broke up, like this. i realize how stupid ive been.
"if you want to be loved, be lovable"
ive got a beautiful ring from him. seriously, everytime i wear it, it gets compliments. today, from brea. it was the first thing she said to me.
the blue reminds me of his eyes.
to be a better girlfriend, i need to be a better friend.
ive got this new years resolution....theres this boy i love with all my heart, and i want him back.