plan: improve yourself to improve relationship with others

so i was looking through some documents jeff sent me within the past few months, since about august.
sweet things, but one thing i found was pretty important.
it was in a thing called a "new ideal" and it featured some intellectual stuff of jeffs, his thoughts on friendship, bias's, and critical thinking. in the last bit, he wrote a list of what ideal friends are
#3-have mutual trust
thats been a bit of a problem. we both are kinda shady with each other, that needs to stop. from now on i will wholly trust him, even if im thinking somethings strange. ill ask him, but ill believe whatever he tells me just because i trust him. im hoping he'd be able to do the same with me.
#8-understand each other in fundamental ways
this has been a problem too. we simply just dont understand each other on some levels. for example, ive never understood why saying "nevermind" makes him so angry. he says its because it seems like i dont care enough about him to spend time explaining it. i can see that, but i still dont understand it. however, i still need to respect it. i understand he doesnt like that, so what i need to do is be understanding, and take however much time necessary to explain it.
the last one, #9, got me
#9- be intimate and share confidences
thats never been a problem. but i have a feeling it will be now. he doesnt want anything 'intimate' of the sort with me. even talking, it seems, has to be purely casual almost. i definately dont want to be like that. he knows things that i wish I didnt know. i know things that hes said he's never told anyone. i just feel like hes trying to get rid of any intimacy. this is one thing im afraid of. whether a best friend or a girlfriend, our closeness has always been something that fascinates and comforts me. whether its us feeling the same about something, or us having similar wants, ive never in my life been so close to someone. i feel like a retard or a baby when i cry in front of him, but i feel like hes the only one that i can do that with.
ive noticed that with this whole improvement plan i get both motivated and discouraged easily. one little thing can depress me, and i spiral all the way down again. i want to end myself. i feel hopeless, like a fish out of water. and then the littlest thing can motivate me, like he put a happy face at the end of his email. a freakin colon with a parentheses came like a freakin beacon. and i got hope again. i was motivated to continue my little mission, i would never know if it would work unless i tried. to be clear, my goal is to improve myself. simply, to make myself a better person, therefore a better friend. hopefully out of completing that goal, ill convince him that i can be compatible with his busy, ed-heavy life. that i can be a no-drama girlfriend who can comfortably take the backseat to his education. i want him to be succesful. after all, if hes succesful, were both succesful. i dont think he realizes that i realize he does need to make his education a priority. i expected to be put on the back burner. fuck, i was ASKING to be on the backburner, i was telling him if he needed to go to tucson to learn, he needs to. we could do fine. and i still believe that. he could be here, in tucson, in the uk: we CAN do it. and im just gonna have to prove that to him.
im going to walmart with my mom, then work. after that-nothing. no new years eve plans for me.