new

things are a bit better now. jeff and i are back together and though there have been some hiccups along the way we're really trying to make it work, or at least i am. sometimes i really wonder if he even wants me around. it seems like even when i am trying my hardest, its not enough..i hate the drama as much as anyone else. i just find it strange how much the tables have turned, and how differently things are going than i had always imagined it. i never thought he would leave for college early, and he had always told me he wouldnt. now,less than four months til he moves down there without me...its sad, and scary, and it makes me question him in ways i never thought id have to...i would sacrifice anything for him, and he doesnt believe it, yet i have no idea how to prove it. it seems like instead of us working together, its me working for 'us' while he works for himself until i even out the score i guess...but if thats what its gonna take, then thats what im gonna do.
i read this thing on msn one day called like, proposals gone wrong? and it was funny. but the best part of the article was the advice at the bottom. though it was pertaining to proposals, it said not to compare your boyfriends actions with those of other people's boy's. basically not to compare, because it is unfair to him, because those other guys have flaws of their own too. im definately guilty of that, and im gonna try and stop.
speaking of proposals, my head has been completely wrapped around that lately. cody hawkins proposed to his gf (whose actually been in college 2 years at this point) and hes only a few months older than jeff, and they havent been together much longer (if at all) than us...
i just have this horrible longing to elevate us to that 'status.' engaged. i want it soooo badly. to me, thats a guarantee for a future, and i just need that boost of faith to get me (and us) through this next year. to know that he loves me that much to ask me that....i want it so badly. i know he wouldnt ask unless it was forever. and i just really need to know that he wants it forever. i want that so badly.